independence

had a long talk with my brother tonight... the brother i haven't really talked to in quite a while... i do love him... we used to be really really close about a year ago and then some things happened..he went off to college and got a "life of his own" and little by little we separated...it sure didn't help when he got a girlfriend...then went through some really rough times to where he pulled away from everyone, including me, even more than before... ...it wouldn't matter so much except that he a lot of times seemed like my only "connection"... most people have families they can always run to...or that best friend...or that boyfriend or girlfriend...just somebody... well, we've never really had anybody but eachother it seems. don't get me wrong, i've been raised in a good home with parents who provide everything we need... but matt was the only one who really understood...who i could talk to and he would listen and understand at least somewhat.. and well, losing him... i lost a lot of faith in people. i trust people pretty easy... but my confidence is that they're not going to be around for long so i might as well pour out as much of myself as i can before they leave... i missed my brother... earlier tonight i was thinking about him... about all the ways i wanted to yell at him for basically leaving me to the wind... forgetting me altogether it seems. i don't need him...i can definitely survive on my own. i don't need his attention, his love, or anything from him.. but i want it. i didn't understand how i could love him this much and him not pay any heed to it... i don't know... but anyway...he ended up calling me and wanted to watch a movie..and even tho i was in bed and about to go to sleep i said i was up for it... and after the movie we talked... about our real dad...our mom...our family...our relationships around us and the way we deal with people... i ache for solidity, foundation, a resting post... i realize christ is just that... but there's never been anything tangible... people/relationships have always come and gone through my life... i'm Used to it...it's nothing to be sorry for me about or anything... that's just the way things are. nothing ever lasts... but i hear about these families that are so close...the kid can run into the parents room and crawl between the covers... or talk to their mom about something and ask their dad for anything... they talk on the phone every week or more... they have their own room at their house and their mom is always wondering what's going on in their lives... i realize most families have varying extremes of these things... but i've none... it doesn't bother matt...it usually doesn't bother me, i like the thought of at a moment's notice being able to pack up and leave without a second glance... if i do ever glance back it's only to wish there was something there to miss... but it's always been easy to say goodbye... to allow things to change... to move on... what i would give for "strings" attached... someone that just couldn't do without me... someone i just couldn't do without... should it be possible or is this really how it's supposed to be? ....you see, i don't know... a part of me aches for consistancy, but there's another part of me that cannot stand to see the same person every day...i hate the feeling of bein tied down... bound... i guess it just depends on all the details..
i suppose it's a good thing that i have had this lesson to learn...not many people know what it is to truly rely on Christ and not rely on others...and i'm sure others have it even harder than i... i should probably be thankful that i'm so independent and "strong".... there are times i love it...and there are times i hate it... i don't want to be independent...i don't want to be strong...
i don't know if my brother's going to call again... but it's okay... when he does i'll be waiting as usual....until then i'll preoccupy my time with whatever seems important....