Tuesday, December 14, 2004

the wall

what do you do when the theif is escaping with your valuables and your feet are cemented to the ground...?

i'm desperate...my Lord isn't to me who He once was. it doesn't seem like it anyway... we still have moments together i guess...but nothing as intimate..as passionate. where has it all gone?

i wrote in my paper journal on november 17th (nearly a month ago, but still a theme in my life):
"abba, i can't change my mindset.
i can't change my heart.
help me.
it seems my heart is of stone.
i can't feel anything
i'm full but empty
crowded but alone.
am i faithful?
am i obedient?
am i selfish?
am i following You?
you're not the author of confusion, but of peace and of hope...
is what i feel relevant or accurate? is it of you or myself or satan?
i choose you... but do i really? am i really choosing you by the way I love, by my words, by my actions... can other people see You in me?
abba, i don't know what needs to change in me...i dont know!

obedience, sacrifice, love... how? what more do you want? what more can i give?

don't you know I want my life to be Yours all over again?
don't you know i want to die to myself and live for You?
all i've ever wanted!"

so what is this blockade of my being? the complications seem endless... i don't want to leave. where would i go?
Lord, i need you...

"what profit is there in my blood when I go down to the pit?"
-psalm 30:9

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