comfort vs. challenge

it's kind of nice having someone find it interesting that i have a mid-size bowl of oatmeal smothered in honey and scattered with raisins every morning...
there's this place that over looks 3 counties a few miles out of town... i always want to take someone there just to sit and talk...i never do it. last night someone took me there...
it's nice having someone sit across the room and there's no pressure to say something wickedly intelligent or funny to get them to stay.....pure comfort....

the problem is.... my dreams are bigger than that.... and those bigger dreams are different than his bigger dreams.....
and i want someone to search me, find me, and challenge me....

i want to bring hope and healing to the nations. i want to sell myself and give the profit to the poor. i want to live uncomfortably...

i want someone daring enough to take me with them over steep mountains of poverty, into deep valleys of hunger, and through the enormous cloud of injustice.....
i want to live vibrantly, fiercely fighting to bring justice to the world and show them they're loved...

haha....even i laugh. will i ever be satisfied?





p.s. my roommate is gone for the week... i kind of like (ok..i love) having the house to myself...all i need is a puppy...or cat.......and need to get rid of all her crap....

complications....

does life have to be so complicated? some people do this so easily...like they've done it before...
God, I sit here and think about how I'd like my life to look...I can barely decide....
I mean... something adventurous...
something real...something live and wild...
but what does that look like to me? i want details! and how do you get there?
i'm so on edge...
like 42 days til i graduate...if i graduate...
today i thought about telling my mom, "you know..i don't even want to be a nurse."
not that i wanted to drop out or anything...not that....it's just...
i don't look like a nurse... nurses look so...heroic, clean, all nicely put together with smooth hair and make-up.... (except the old nurses...they look a little loose)
[don't let me fool you...i do want to be a nurse...]
it's just hard accepting i'm not going to be perfect at it....

you know...there was this boy...that told me he missed me. i wanted him to go into detail about what he missed about me...because it kind of surprises me that someone could miss me after a year... i wanted to hear what good i have in me that actually sticks to people...but i didn't make him do that...because it seemed like i didn't miss him as much as he missed me... and i felt bad...

i hate how obsessed about nursing i am... i guess i have to be right now... but it sucks being so obsessed about something so stressful, something so impossible... it's almost worse than being obsessed about a boy who doesn't like you... a boy never made my eye twitch. and i'm pretty sure if i failed nursing it would hurt me a lot worse than any boy ever did.

i'm just so ready for something to change...
new goals...new places...new hobbies...new faces...
there's a burning in my heart... for time... time to dream... and the confidence to see those dreams come to be.... where can i find those things?

ush...it all just seems so impossible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and yet here i am...doing it. there's no way i could have gotten this far by luck...i did this. i'm doing this. i'm going to finish this. and i'm going to be a freaking amazing nurse! GOD let this be over soon....

no whimsical fancies here....

yeah my eyes look for a sunset red
when others are happy with blue
they say not to expect a fairytale
but what about dreams come true?
so my heart has wings
and my eyes they sing
i chase after wild
senseless things...
i color my world
beginning from bed
looking for that
wild sunset red...
the clouds they're calling
so tie a string to my toes
i'll follow my heart
i'll follow my nose
into clouds of emerald green
a sky unlike you've ever seen
where eyes they shine
and man rewinds
to the moments that overflow
like a gentle touch on the elbow
and to hazel eyes more interesting
than any show
yet even they...even those
are passed up by my curious nose
that catches the scent of adventure
the waft of more
that sets this fearsome heart alive and
free to explore
free to explore
that sunset red
the chase begins
maybe just in my head
but someday
somehow
perhaps not a fairytale like you
but i'll find my dreams come true

time and tea

hidden from the cold world's view
safe and sound in an ocean blue
covered with time and looks like tea
need the same to get thru to me

won't you sit
stay just a while
make me laugh
make me smile

the best locked in a chest with the rest
covered a bit by muck and mire
no hand from land can stand the current
fear of the unknown, desire for fire

it's hard to be found
when you're covered in ground
when you're not sure it's true
that you wanna be found

maybe it's easier to go it alone
no place your mind can't roam
maybe it's harder to go it alone
no place no chest to make your home

this diamond in the rough
needs just a little buff
so her colors can shine thru
this diamond in the rough
needs just a little buff
it'd be so nice to see you...

so if what it takes
is time and tea
do you have what it takes
to get through to me

won't you sit
stay just a while
make me laugh
make me smile

D A G A

geez...

i feel like a roller coaster....
50 more days til graduation... will i make it?
something in me says yes... but my eye is still twitching... i feel so dry... i woke up depressed and empty...i just want out of this cave...i know the world is a beautiful place, why can't i see it? i want to be a part of it, but i feel choked..
"why don't you live life while going to the hospital, you say?" ...it's not that i don't...i really really enjoy the people and my time there, but it's hard to enjoy it when i feel like my teacher is waiting for me to fail...
..and i can't find my car keys... suck.
can an irresponsible dreamer be a nurse? a good one?
i know so.
i will be.
...i want to be happy in this place...
is it just a mental decision?
...why won't my eye stop twitching??

reality

i can do this. i'm going to do this. in 2 months i will have an associates degree of nursing and i will be preparing to take my boards exam in june... i will be a REGISTERED NURSE in 3 months.
scares the hell out of me...and yet....it's right at my fingertips... it's RIGHT there. it's happening. unbelievable.

you know...i've gone through hell to get where i am. it seems like that anyway. i probably have ulcers in my stomach and i know i have zits on my face because of it. i have cried myself to sleep. i have hyperventilated. i have bitten people's heads off. withdrawn. totally freaked. it's been the hardest, worst, most difficult thing i've ever done in my life...

but when i sit there holding an 86 year old woman's tely cords while she uses the restroom, telling her just to rest and take some deep breaths to help get her O2 up and reassure her that i'll help her back to her bed and i won't let her fall..........yeah it's something simple.....yeah maybe anyone could do it... but i get to. i get to help someone. i got to care about that lady for a moment. not just care for her, but care about her. maybe not everyone who takes care of her cares for her...if you get my drift.. that's worth it to me. that makes all of the hell of nursing school worth it...

and i'm going to pass. i'm going to make it.
THAT is the reality.
i am a good student. and i'm going to be a great nurse.
so kiss my tail.

....

last night...
i did chest compressions on his chest...
his sunken chest...with broken ribs...
i looked into his dry glazed eyes....
i felt the coolness of his skin....
i heard them call it...
i helped make him presentable to his family...
...they were in the waiting room...

...i was the one who closed his eyes...

...at first they wouldn't stay shut...

...i had to hold them for a moment...

priorities.

i'm not very good at them...
deciding what's non-urgent, urgent, and an emergency...
then there're those things that are so far gone you just might as well leave em for dead...
there are some things that don't matter what order you decide to do them in... just whatever you wanna do first: go for it. ...sometimes those can be crazy difficult because then you have to think how long each will take and who knows what will come through the door next... which do you want to have done already?
priorities...
they're not just in nursing school...
i wish there was a sorter that life had to go through before it fell in my hands... and it would fall in order of importance, in order of vitality...
direction helps. is it possible to always have someone standing beside you gently guiding you in the minor tasks as well as the major?
it seems there's multiple areas in my life lacking direction. in fact, i would say the few priority areas of my life are lacking the most direction.
it's funny as much as i ache for adventure and the wild i ache for something constant and something sure....
and as much as i love the mystery of colors i still find attractive the assurance of black and white...