so much to do, so little time...

damn procrastination.

not only am i attempting to get my visa for afreeka, make arrangements for my trip in oregon, pay off my ticket, arrange to get required immunizations and meds for afreeka, but due to my procrastination i am also attempting to complete a course i've been meddling in for the last year (finishes at the end of july). i have to move out of my apartment by the end of july as well and i'd like to some how get rid of a bunch of my stuff in good ways like selling them, giving them to good will, or recycling. i have books that i'd like to read before i go, including but not limited to When the Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down and various birthing books, which can wait until the end of july really but...

today i need to finish a book i'm doodling up for my neice for her third birthday. tomorrow i need to send off my visa things and find a travel clinic. and every day until the end of july somehow i need to work in an assignment or two from that class. this weekend as soon as i get off work i have a volunteer spot at a community garden and tomorrow night i said i would help someone babysit and sunday i have a bike ride in the morning and at night i either have to drive home to go to my neice's birthday party or go to church cuz they're having a special service.

and right now. i need to get ready for work :( 12 hour night shift.

blast how am i so busy?
and all of these things are things i really do want to do.

i feel so overwhelmed. i need help.

sin

i hear the train...
a film between us
between me and the night
between my chest and life
a milky haze
warmth and softness seize my gaze
i awake in heavy daze
a heavy bitter glaze
my heart chokes back
my lungs feel flooded
i can't run anymore
too weak too done
ready to be undone
unwound unsung
lift the rod from my spine
take the lead from my breast
the yoke from my shoulders
the weight from my chest
stop the aches
the heart shakes
the body quakes
like a child i lay fetal
waiting to be saved
what day what a day
in what moment will salvation make way

today

i bought my ticket.

flood

i'm not sure what i opened my eyes to: a vision of myself in africa? the pain of leaving my hospital unit? the emotion of returning? (not even sure that will ever happen!)

i don't care if they move from their steadfast footing, but i want to shake people. i want them to see outside their boxes and just consider life and its possibilities and what love could look like, feel like, sound like.

am i love? do they see the love in me?

i love them. i'm overwhelmed with it. they don't have to change for a second but i love them.

the old glory nurse who's not too old. she's been there longer than any of us. she knows the unit and the people that work there like family (or at least she claims to). and as far as i'm concerned she's earned the right to leave a few things behind for the new nurse with new legs to finish up. she lives alone with her cats and seems like a man would have to have a spine of steel to come close to her. she knows everything.

next in line would be one of my favorites. she bought me a christmas present the first month i was on the unit. made sure i had a birthday cake too. occasionally she'll bring me treats from the kitchen when i tell her i'd rather she didn't with a lying tongue. i'm sure i'm the 5yearold child that won't shut up some nights but she'll laugh. she'll almost always laugh. and if she doesn't because of some stressful situation she'll make up for it a few minutes later by throwing something my way or messing up my keyboard or laughing at the way i make up my own words for things. she knows everything too. and she has shown me how to adamantly ignore the doctors and stand up for my patients, how to love them as well. she might talk big sometimes but she's one of the hardest workers and most open lovers i've seen. from what i gather she lives on a farm with her parents and goats enjoying her nephews like they were hers.

and then there's penguin. i don't know why i like that for her. she has long black hair. she watched me stumble my way through my first weeks of being on my own. oh! the questions i would ask! i bet she hated it. but she never said no to helping me. she always has her tubings changed and fresh new containers at patients bedsides, perfectly labeled in straight black letters. she's young and lives like it. free. i bet she was calmer back in the day before she lost the guy she loved. but she's such a good nurse. sometimes i feel like she's a cracked little egg i wish i could mend back together and stop what hurts.

seems like they've all sacrificed so much to love. i want to be like them.

i...

i receive a weekly discounted leave-immediately-this-weekend airlines email, which i religiously scroll through both domestic and international flights.

i sit on my back porch until midnight or one playing random songs i made up which can turn into something more ad lib.

i eat multiple multiple popsicles once i get started.

i have a 5x3 smilie face flag hanging on my wall which remains a bright daily presence....also 2 (posterior and anterior view) 2x5 posters of the human body, which i'm not sure i look at very often.

i like to lay in the sun and think about things or sleep. i like to lather on special hawaiian oil which my mom used to use when she was my age.

the first time i think i've felt like i might know some cool things that other people don't about medicine was yesterday driving to a farm explaining kidney failure and dialysis to a girl. she said wow. i felt excited.

i find ways to spend my time doing things opposing what i really wanted to accomplish. those things which most consume my time are guitar, writing, possibly (embarrassingly) facebook, and reading.

i have trouble saying how i feel if it might full on offend/hurt the other person.

i like eggnog taffy.

sometimes...

sometimes i feel dirty. or wasted like i haven't showered in a few days and i'm deprived of sleep a bit. or like a hole is in my xiphoid process area and a cave is there and dry things crawl in there and scratch. i feel like that usually the morning after i drink too much or if some boy forced me into accepting his suggestive comments as the norm and proper way to communicate. this feeling doesn't usually go away for a while. either i have to do really good things and spend lots of time with good pure people or i have to ignore it for a few days and not engage in any questionable behavior. then it gradually disappears and i feel good again. good like cold lemonade on a hot day. good like i'm okay and the cave isn't there and someone loves me.

sometimes i feel squirmy. like a bug that you press your finger on the back of their shell and they can still move their arms and legs but they must feel the weight of the floor against their chest and the pressure on their shoulders and they can't move. they can't escape. sometimes i feel like that bug. it happens when someone looks at me like they like me a lot or like they need me. it most usually happens with a boy because i know that any girl that looks at me like that will someday find a husband and it doesn't mean they'll need me forever. but with a boy you never know what they want. they might just want one thing. they might want things to last. and there's that chance they might not want things to last once they get to know me. so it's better to run away in the beginning. or at least try to. that squirmy feeling sure makes me want to run. ...i wonder if you hold your finger down long enough on these bugs if they ever calm down and let you keep them? and i wonder, if they decide to let you keep them, if they'll ever really love you or always wish they'd tried a little harder to run away.

sometimes i feel good. i look out the window and hope is written in diamonds and candy. like every tree has the best fruit and when you walk down the street rich possibilities hang out the windows of cars that drive by and beg you to join them. and you have all the time in the world to decide which one you want to ride with so you keep strolling along enjoying your popsicle and hitting things along the way with a stick you found. ...maybe even stopping to watch ants drink the beer from a can left there from the night before, wondering what they get out of it. all the while just enjoying the sunshine kissing your face and keeping you warm. you can't help but notice how green the leaves have gotten and how bright the colors of the flowers are when you have days like that. it's like they're laughing loudly at their own enjoyment of life, calling you over to celebrate...you just can't miss it.

one time i had this conversation with a guy that i met in a coffee shop. he looked like he could be homeless but then he told me about how him and his kids get together at their house and how he bought a van and wants to paint hippie pictures and sayings all over it just for fun. i think i got high just talking to this guy. i felt all buzzy and the world was blurry except for him and me. he was like forty and asked for my number just to continue the conversation. it seemed pretty innocent, but i gave him my email thinking i could ignore that easier than phone calls and i think he could see right through my facad because he never wrote me. i wondered if it was possible that we could have ever been friends, but i doubt it. doesn't seem like it's possible for a man to be friends with a woman, not one he's attracted to. seems like eventually somebody wants to touch somebody and then somebody gets scared and then it's over and your friendship is gone and all you got left is your heart in your hands torn a little bit.

men scare me. it scares me to get close to them. it scares me to really try to tell them who i am and give them time to get to know me. it scares me when they just say hello and ask me how my week went. it scares me when they start calling predictably. it scares me to be asked where i'm going or what i'm doing like they might judge me or accuse me of something that i didn't know i wasn't supposed to be doing. it scares me when they really look at me. or grab my hand. or touch my face. it scares me if they wanna be alone with me. sometimes i'm not scared. sometimes i like it. often i want it. but i guess when i think back to the long line of fools in my life i just don't know what to think about it. it makes me want to be in charge and say when things are okay and when they're not. it makes me want to hold my hand out and keep something between us..something that won't let them touch my heart. it's not always like this. only sometimes. ...

thoughts of today

by theresa
and heidi

We went outside to sleep next to the pool. Thought it might rain but it never did. The sun was bright and…well….life is good. And I have good friends. And I’m blessed.

I accomplished less than I thought I would; and have been more satisfied than I thought possible. Some people called me back others I’ll catch up with later. The day is easy, long, with results that could have been better. Most of the sadness is superficial… ok really the sadness is my sunburn.

Later in the day I went to communality. I just love the people. It’s just so free and pure and good: the couples and their babies and the families and their shared lives together. There was some dude from Australia and he was my partner in the discussion and…life and scriptures reiterated the fact that you don’t have to have it all figured out…chances are you never will. But it’s important to keep your heart and mind open to saying Yes to God and Yes to those in need. It’s important to love.

The colors are bright and pure today. My friends are faithful. My God is present… within. He seeps into my heart like a lover that’s won. He drips color into the sky, the grass, the cultures, the people. He lives in color and in clarity; even the color of my brilliant red sun tinged skin. All is from His hand and all is good, but not safe.

I guess you just have to take it day by day, moment by moment. Live and love purely. Remember that you’re good. Remember that God is in control and life is not just worth living but worth exploring too. Things have happened for a reason and I like where I am at. I like my roommate. I like that I have a skunk skin-peel design down my back. I like that I collect smilie faces and eat cotton candy for breakfast sometimes. I also like that I’m going to Africa to love people and attempt to be the difference I want to see in the world. Life changes and it’s beautiful. Each second is like a new dish prepared especially for you. I want to be someone willing to taste it all and remember to thank the Cook.

peace

"the lord will perfect that which concerns me"... psalms 138:8
"Now may the God of peace…make you complete in every good work to do His will." heb 13:20-21

now God of peace, do what only you can do. work out your righteousness in me, work out your good in me, work out your love in me. i don't always have what it takes to do right by you. so many times i put my hope in shallow places. so often i don't hear you on account of the loudness of my situations. speak to me, and when you do, give me grace to listen. please....

you are good and i am yours.

thank you thank you thank you
for all the good you are
and so much more

UP

what a great movie!!
ush i loved it. was such a good story... the only thing i hated was that they never went on their adventure together. *sigh* but what a great lesson in the end anyway. she knew life was an adventure in itself. the daily awakening to possibilities unknown... enjoying the people in your life... love...love is an adventure. but i do wanna go to my own paradise falls. i want to explore the mountain tops, the creatures, the world... i don't want to sacrifice my relationships with people solely for adventure though. hmm..

and then there's the whole route in speaking about the direction of life that you can go when the Lord is involved. you know, leave your mother and your father. let the dead bury their own. seems pretty obvious but i wonder if he meant something else. i wonder if there's something deeper there.

this issue is facinating me. this issue of leaving your mother and your father, pursuing the Lord, living life in one place and exploring the world. this issue of what the hell do i do after africa...haha. man, life is good. i know i'll be guided in the right direction...and wherever that direction may be..i know there will be good in it.... because i think i'm learning to trust :)

are you really going?

africa.

i haven't bought my ticket yet. (still working on savin the funds)
i've got oral surgery coming up...those damn wisdom teeth :)
car insurance, but i'll get some of that back...
still would like a nice camera before i go, we'll see...
i need to save up the money i need to live there..
and there's visa fees and shots i still need to get...

i can't believe i've been living here since last september, that it's been 10 months. i could have had a child by now! :) ... i freaked when i thought i had to stay here a year. but i made it. and i came out with a good years experience and my loans paid off, not to mention a years worth of learning about life and God... thanks, Lord. it's been challenging. at first i was like a fox caught in a cage...and then that panic transforming to accepting to stay and that turning into liking it here...maybe considering staying. but probably won't. actually...i don't know where i'll go after africa.

there's someone who, whenever they see me and africa gets mentioned, they ask, "are you really going?" ...not like: i can't believe it, how could you? ...but more like: really? you're for sure about it now? ........................................................i've been pretty for sure of it for a while. i've been thinking about this trip since last october.



honestly i'm not sure what to expect in my experience of africa. no doubt it will be something i couldn't expect... my experience to india tells me i can't always be prepared for what i'll see... i guess i'm doing my best to go with an open mind, to learn from these people, to learn about their culture, to learn about the healthcare system in a third world country, to learn about the lady i'll be staying with and her life and her family... i don't want to impose on their paths. just come in and tell them how things are done in America. i don't want to do anything but learn and love and hopefully share some of the skills i've learned here in the hospital.

i wonder what loving people in africa will look like... i wonder what people the Lord will ask me to pray for....i hope i hope i hope that He bleeds through me... in love and service, in whatever way He wants. i hope i learn what sort of actions i can take to make a bigger difference in the world, to enlighten people to the injustices that take place, to move people to take action themselves to love people and change the world they live in.

Lord, guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for in you i hope all the day long.. psalm25.5