independence

had a long talk with my brother tonight... the brother i haven't really talked to in quite a while... i do love him... we used to be really really close about a year ago and then some things happened..he went off to college and got a "life of his own" and little by little we separated...it sure didn't help when he got a girlfriend...then went through some really rough times to where he pulled away from everyone, including me, even more than before... ...it wouldn't matter so much except that he a lot of times seemed like my only "connection"... most people have families they can always run to...or that best friend...or that boyfriend or girlfriend...just somebody... well, we've never really had anybody but eachother it seems. don't get me wrong, i've been raised in a good home with parents who provide everything we need... but matt was the only one who really understood...who i could talk to and he would listen and understand at least somewhat.. and well, losing him... i lost a lot of faith in people. i trust people pretty easy... but my confidence is that they're not going to be around for long so i might as well pour out as much of myself as i can before they leave... i missed my brother... earlier tonight i was thinking about him... about all the ways i wanted to yell at him for basically leaving me to the wind... forgetting me altogether it seems. i don't need him...i can definitely survive on my own. i don't need his attention, his love, or anything from him.. but i want it. i didn't understand how i could love him this much and him not pay any heed to it... i don't know... but anyway...he ended up calling me and wanted to watch a movie..and even tho i was in bed and about to go to sleep i said i was up for it... and after the movie we talked... about our real dad...our mom...our family...our relationships around us and the way we deal with people... i ache for solidity, foundation, a resting post... i realize christ is just that... but there's never been anything tangible... people/relationships have always come and gone through my life... i'm Used to it...it's nothing to be sorry for me about or anything... that's just the way things are. nothing ever lasts... but i hear about these families that are so close...the kid can run into the parents room and crawl between the covers... or talk to their mom about something and ask their dad for anything... they talk on the phone every week or more... they have their own room at their house and their mom is always wondering what's going on in their lives... i realize most families have varying extremes of these things... but i've none... it doesn't bother matt...it usually doesn't bother me, i like the thought of at a moment's notice being able to pack up and leave without a second glance... if i do ever glance back it's only to wish there was something there to miss... but it's always been easy to say goodbye... to allow things to change... to move on... what i would give for "strings" attached... someone that just couldn't do without me... someone i just couldn't do without... should it be possible or is this really how it's supposed to be? ....you see, i don't know... a part of me aches for consistancy, but there's another part of me that cannot stand to see the same person every day...i hate the feeling of bein tied down... bound... i guess it just depends on all the details..
i suppose it's a good thing that i have had this lesson to learn...not many people know what it is to truly rely on Christ and not rely on others...and i'm sure others have it even harder than i... i should probably be thankful that i'm so independent and "strong".... there are times i love it...and there are times i hate it... i don't want to be independent...i don't want to be strong...
i don't know if my brother's going to call again... but it's okay... when he does i'll be waiting as usual....until then i'll preoccupy my time with whatever seems important....

snow

we all know what sorts of thoughts you have when thinking about the christmas season: cuddling up next to a warm fire in the midst of a cold snowy evening drinking hot cocoa while christmas carols hum softly over the radio... christmas cards decorating the refrigerator... laughing with family over eggnog and pumpkin pie... secretly sneaking a peek at all the presents lieing under the tree and sometimes having the courage to reach out and shake one.... ooing and aahing over all the different set ups of christmas decorations in the society's yards... playing in the snow until your fingers are ice and your nose is crimson, then coming for some hot chocolate to thaw out... it's a romantic, dreamy holiday and although taking place in the dead of winter it's full and bright and amazingly warm... it's a holiday oozing with love, joy, and harmony... and that's without mention of the reason of the season: Christ. we all know christmas was created to celebrate His miraculous birth. the birth that brought the opportunity for life and hope to all of us sinners... christmas...the mere word brings a smile to almost anyone's face...

so why am i dreading it somewhat? ...it's not that i'm full out dreading it... but a little.. i think so... why? ... here it's snowing a bloody blizzard...oh it's beautiful... i love the way the snow dips and swirls and makes circles in the air...i love the snow...

perhaps i'm so somber because i've forgotten the meaning of christmas... or maybe it hasn't to do with christmas at all...

the flakes are quite large..really some the size of a quarter i'll bet... the ones close to the window look like they're coming down ever so slowly, but the ones further away keep twisting...going up and sideways and down and back again...

i hope my car has enough antifreeze...

not less or great, just different

so i was just watching this movie... The Glass Menagerie... or something... anyways... it was good, but i never finished it. the man was going out at nights to get drunk and get away from the apartment because his mom was a big nag and such, but he talked to his mother apologizing for things he said and somehow their conversations led to him making a statment i could understand:
"mother, you know how you said your heart is full of things that would be impossible to explain? so it is with mine. my heart is full of things that would be impossible to explain. "

so it is with i...... here i am alone in my home with all the possibilities of sorting out my heart and mind and there i was wasting away at the front of a television.. no, i wouldn't have it.. there are better things to do... so i turned off the movie to discover maybe what it is within my heart at such a time as this... where can i organize? where i can i replace and reconfigure? but the words of the man made me wonder...

and i wondered, would there ever be someone that i could honestly relate to wholly as i am as an individual or would i always have to form and mold myself til i get along with another person completely? i wonder... so many people i've met but no one i've connected with thoroughly... completely...utterly... i'm not speaking in terms of man and woman here..this can be a same-sex relation.... i wonder if it's possible... to meet someone completely your match... am i rare? do i forget we are only human? and am i wrong in thinking it possible to meet someone you can connect with on unbinding terms?....

i believe it possible...i've found myself on desperate measures sometimes willing to settle for less just because i haven't found great.... not that the less is bad.. because the less by the world's standards is great, but the less by my standards is...well...less. not saying i deserve great, because i definitely do not... and not saying that the great is better than the less... because it's not.. it's just different... a different which i am willing to stake my life upon... a different which i am willing to wait for... and wait i shall..with all patience and diligence...allowing christ to form me and mold me into something deserving...

it's just that my person will not be satisified by the something different opposed to the somethig i look for... is it rare or am i blind? ....

hmm...i am happy where i'm at.... i will allow christ to form and mold myself for His sake... prepare me for His table...and grow strong in the relationship i have with Him... there really is nothing else that matters... even if i never find that someone that i can relate to and connect with indefinitely i will not feel cheated... for my relationship with Christ is full and rich... He will grant me what He knows is best and will withhold what He knows will hinder my success and my achievements for Him...


so...it is such a time as this...to pursue the Lord...and that i will...

p.s...i love movies where everyone talks in old english... the beautiful accent, the well-thought, poetic words and language...and, of course, the clean cut, ancient, romantic dress of times...for men and women...i love it all...

going home

it's the perfect winter day really... the sun is shining really bright and it's in the upper 40*s. just a chilly breeze blowing, but nothing bad.. and here i am... alone.

(note: for those of you that are about to go "awww..." : alone does not equal lonely.)

it's quiet, peaceful, empty while i pack my things away debating on which and what would be more useful to bring home. (is it really worth packing down 4 flights of stairs?) i'm the girl who packs duct tape, needles, and super glue (just in case)...maybe i'll get bored and need this, huh?

often i'll recall a past moment in the semester and laugh out loud to myself... occasionally (but not often) i'll wrinkle my nose and sigh and then try to forget it...

i wasn't as involved in college as i had liked to be.. yes, i hung out with people nearly every night.. i attended bsu faithfully and often went to fca as well and i did some disciple nows and revival teams... but i don't know...i'd like to do something that improves something around here... maybe sga...maybe i'll go for the play next year... i just want to be a part of a group i think...i don't know though..i'm pretty involved outside of college, buuutt... we'll see we'll see...

overall i guess this semester was a success... there were plenty of things i know i could have done better (homework, bible study, etc)... there were plenty of mistakes made as well (said the wrong things, chose the wrong way, etc...) i guess the only thing to do is spend time preparing for the next semester, be ready for it, and act on what i know... hmm.. we'll see we'll see...

it has been fun tho...flashbacks begin from hauling all my junk into a mini room...smaller than my room at home...and then i had to share with basically a stranger. i placed each piece thoughtfully while my brother stood by and watched...we chatted about different things... and then..there she was in a crazy chaos of strange people and boxes: my roommate. completely different than what i pictured really. kind of goofy and comfortable. from the start i wasn't so sure what kind of relationship we would end up having, but due to a wide ranging stream of events...somehow...shewt..who woulda thought we'd become so close? while hoping to make a friend i ended up finding a sister...

losing everything an anything the very first week of school... varying from my medical card, to my keys... somethings disappeared on more than one occasion only to reappear in strange, odd places (my pocket, my hand, etc.)... it has become a popular saying here on my side of the room: "sarah! did you take my (fill in the blank)" ...of course, i knew she never did and she knew i knew she never did...thus, came the reply, "what did you lose this time?"

visiting that dusty little chapel who's usual visitors consisted of spiders and, as a result, included a lovely decor of cobwebs strung about from pew to pew, wall to wall. i'll never forget the humbling beauty about the place... my heart racing even as i neared it... and the awe-filled presence about the place... clearing it out and making it somewhere where people would be comfortable coming to get away from the world...our own dear sanctuary where the world can be left at the steps with your shoes and christ can be found again or met more clearly at the foot of the cross...

finding my job at eagle express...(complete God-send) ... working with those people, getting to know those beautiful kids...

the faces of 4 girls at the movie theaters, popcorn in their hands, enjoying a movie... and the thank yous afterwards...

a random offer to join in a slip and slide event on a crazy freezing day... to think we nearly rejected the offer, but in a momentary decision fled to our rooms to prepare... piling into the back of a lovely yellow truck... little did i know my ultimate dreams were about to come true... covered in oil, racing to a mat, lightening sliding into a murky pool of mud and grass strands on the opposing side... half an hour later the mat was pulled from it's spikes and we proceeded to wrestle eachother into the filth.. oh, it was lovely. the finest moments of life. pulling a plug of mud and mire and mixing it with mirth as it flew from one hand to another's hair.

a midnight venture around the county somehow coming to rest at my home

some of the most entertaining, energetic, and challenging games of hide and go seek i've ever been a part of

a spur of the moment expidition to the amazing New York City...two cars...seven college students... and as little money as you can imagine... but minds soaring with adventure ...

there's more there's always more... but i definitely need to finish packing...

this break is pregnant with opportunity to refocus my heart and mind... even now ideas and options are clicking through my head... things that i want to do..books i want to read, tasks i want to accomplish... friends i want to call... i hope i take advantage of this time...perhaps i'll leave the tv off completely... hmm.. who knows... but hopefully i'll change this break and come back a better person... more driven, more focused, and more in love than ever...

will

i had to go speak with some girls this morning. some beautiful high school girls...i didn't get the chance to converse with them about how their spiritual lives were going, but i read a devotion and talked about how important it was to know what you believed and why... (something i really struggled with when pushed out into the 'real world')..
i definitely wasn't prepared for it considering my own spiritual state... but it went well...the knowledge and everything came from Him...i had nothing. but when i got back i was able to talk to sarah a little...it was good..she understood...we faced and recognized that something was wrong in both our lives, but we never really came to an agreement how things could be fixed. so i went to sleep...
and kim called... a fresh breeze in air so stale... i woke up and went to her and we talked only for a few moments...
"kim, i just don't know what has happened... about a month ago things were awesome..then someone spoke a Word over me...i made a serious commitment for Christ..and i sacrificed something... and now here i am...over a series of minor dramatic events i've lost sight of my Savior...my Life.."
"you can't let things continue as they are.. you have to get back.."
an exasperated sigh "yeah i don't know how"
"determination..."
at first i must admit my flesh says, "it's impossible..." "you can't do it..."
but i have to...i miss my Lord.. life just isn't worth living this way... no direction...no passion... no love..
so determination... this fragrance of hope has drifted through... i Will find my way again. i Will allow Him to use me...i WILL His will in my life... once again now... things are going to be okay...

stotrum stotrum stotrum for fresh breezes

the wall

what do you do when the theif is escaping with your valuables and your feet are cemented to the ground...?

i'm desperate...my Lord isn't to me who He once was. it doesn't seem like it anyway... we still have moments together i guess...but nothing as intimate..as passionate. where has it all gone?

i wrote in my paper journal on november 17th (nearly a month ago, but still a theme in my life):
"abba, i can't change my mindset.
i can't change my heart.
help me.
it seems my heart is of stone.
i can't feel anything
i'm full but empty
crowded but alone.
am i faithful?
am i obedient?
am i selfish?
am i following You?
you're not the author of confusion, but of peace and of hope...
is what i feel relevant or accurate? is it of you or myself or satan?
i choose you... but do i really? am i really choosing you by the way I love, by my words, by my actions... can other people see You in me?
abba, i don't know what needs to change in me...i dont know!

obedience, sacrifice, love... how? what more do you want? what more can i give?

don't you know I want my life to be Yours all over again?
don't you know i want to die to myself and live for You?
IT'S ALL I WANT..
all i've ever wanted!"

so what is this blockade of my being? the complications seem endless... i don't want to leave. where would i go?
Lord, i need you...

"what profit is there in my blood when I go down to the pit?"
-psalm 30:9

the gang

it all started cuz some random guy decided he wanted to have a slip and slide event in the middle of a cold october day(i think) ...and then afterwards everyone wanted to go to a movie... so there is a group of us who as a result of a random, chance, impulsive desire sometimes hang out.. er..every now and then we go have an all-nighter at FFH...or a midnight run to arby's...maybe a movie...or maybe all the way to e-town at 1 a.m. for some milkshakes... very sporatic...but always enjoyed... so sarah and i have been stuck in our room for the last 2 days basically...loafing around doing nothing... so i decided to stretch my artistic talents and attempt a caricature of my friends and i... her 'tis:


the gang

and her tis in color:


the gang in color

and her tis in real life:

the gang in real life

i knew her once... i'm convinced...
but now...she's not so familiar to me
her eyes aren't my eyes, they're empty...
her head swings low: dejected, defeated...
she's blown about by mere breezes
her mind swims and focus for her is impossible
she speaks dreams, but there's no pursuit for them
she believes in lies and ignores the truth...
so quick to conform...
so soon to let up....
knocked down by an ant's whisper
no life or passion...just existance
she's no relation to mine...
i don't know her...
i don't want her near me...
but still she clings...

green eyes

hmm... i really like this song..
i think they're singing about me...ahem...

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

That green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could, anybody, deny you

I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, now I?ve met you
And honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

Green eyes

Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know

That green eyes, you?re the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who, tried to deny you must be out of their mind

Cause I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, since I met you
Honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

Green eyes
Green eyes

Ohohohohooooo
Ohohohohooooo

Ohohohohooooo
Ohohohohooooo

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand

- coldplay

choose christ

hmm... joshua 24:14-15:

"Now therefore, fear the Lord, serve Him in the sincerity and in truth,
and put away the gods which your fathers served
on the other side of the River and in Egypt.
Serve the Lord! And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord,
choose for yourself this day whom you will serve,
whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River,
or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell.
but as for me and my house,
we will serve the Lord."

really what kind of a decision is this? when we take into consideration all aspects of both sides only the insane and ignorant would not choose Him... how can we keep from raising our hands and bowing our knees to Him only? ...really! what has this world to offer... ugh.. heartbreak, frustrations, deception, and pain... when looking at the opposing arguments there's no decision to be made... the obvious stands clear and strong....

so why do we struggle so much in throwing off the world and dressing up in the shining armor of the Lord...we are found knowing the truth, yet we continue to be led astray...our visions are continually blurred and distorted...for a breif moment you may have focus and then suddenly in pulsating instances you can't see what your eyes were so tightly fastened upon only a moment before...the fog rolls in and in order to focus on our goals we have to sometimes merely look beyond the blockades into the deepest parts of our hearts...and grip that thought as though our very lives depend on it... (which they do)

i bet if we caught a mere glimpse of the pure reality of God we'd take off with a passion and fervor that blew the pants off of everyone that we met... i can't imagine what i'd be if i completely and totally let God have His way with me...

ah, Lord! there's nothing that compares to Your goodness... forgive this ongoing struggle of a rollercoaster life... i ache inside to do something eternal with my life... help me grab hold of the ordinary things and raise them up as some of the finest riches to You...

one moment

not even a tick in the infinity of time... barely a speck in the vastness of the cosmos... who's to know what limits there are? no limits, but what kind of a dent would i be able to make in a world so....so enormous there's no words to describe that never-ending expanse of creation. so the world doesn't depend on me... supposedly a relief. but i stand in awe, speechless...my feelings unbeknownst to me... it's like someone took a close up photograph of a moment in campbellsville...a moment frozen in time... vivid flashbacks of india...a random slideshow of the activity of life all over the world... realizing we're like bacterium on a grain of sand lost in the ocean... standing silent as steam escapes through my lips, i wonder... can one put their finger on eternity? is it possible to fathom the idea of forever?
a night like this has surely been replicated through time...i'm sure at one point there was someonel similar to me, who walked a path similar to this, and contemplated life in a way similar to the way i am now...and i'm sure after me there'll be another someone to do the same... i hope somewhere someone else is currently having similar contemplations...appreciating God's creation by admiring it's simplicity, while wondering at the intricacy of it all...
no, i don't understand the depth of creation... you don't have to see a shooting star in order to be amazed by the wonder of the sky... the mountains don't have to shout in order for you to be humbled by their greatness... sitting silent in a swing on a chilly day, bathing in the warmth of the son... words are inadequate, useless... creation calls me to sit and linger for a time... quiet whispers of assurance... visions of life sweep across my mind's eye... all thoughts vanish and i'm left to consume the simple beauty of the sun... the blueness of the skies...the leaves dancing with the breeze to nature's own song ... temptation to dose on account of the rhythmic melody of motion to and fro... to and fro... i'll have to awake from this subconscious slumber at some point... but what's one more moment in the span of eternity?

instead of writing my paper

so i should be writing a paper analyzing the differences between christians and non-christians... it's something i should have been doing all night, yet still i continue to deny it's calling and fill my life with things that are seemingly more important. Perhaps in truth their importance has been merely momentarily and that time could have been better spent, however, i haven't regretted anything yet... except maybe wasting away at the computer... hmm... but BESIDES that... no, i wouldn't take anything back...
..for instance, a run to arby's when it's already after midnight... i'm entitled to watch and listen as a conversation unfolds between the rest of my group. so i didn't understand a word that they were saying and hadn't watched a movie they were talking about, but listening to them laugh... who would trade that for writing a paper?
...and on to wal*mart where adventerous roaming led to an announcement that echoed throughout the store: "chshekk...security cameras for toys...chsheekkk" ...same message only disguised in management lingo... like we didn't know it was about us... so we meandered away from toys, played a round of foozeball, and attempted a game of hide-n-go seek.. unfortunately...
NOTE: when rules of a game are changed on account of a new location... be sure to enlighten all players... especially newbies...to ensure fair and equal involvement...
so..more quality time...who would trade that for typing a paper?
and today...i slept in...ran a mile and proceeded to cleanse myself, dress myself, and braid my hair...
instead of writing my paper?
instead of writing my paper.
of course..braiding my hair made me a little late for class (35 minutes)...and as i approached the door i realized we had a guest speaker and, being so polite, i decided it would be best if i didn't enter... but instead of going back to the dorms to maybe type my paper...i looked out the window for a bit... it was really a beautiful day out... i thought about calling my roommate to go swing in the park... but i sat there... it became one of those days, not lazy, but daydreamy... i could have sat there forever probably... staring out into the sunshiny day... i actually was wanting to go play, but no playmate at the time to join me... of course, i'm not afraid to go play by myself... but i was definitely in the mood for a friend...but just as i was about to head out... a janitor lady asked me if i was having a good day... (i'm curious as to what expression on my face led her to wonder) so i talked to her a bit... she goes to church close to my home... and has been working here since march....wishes college students picked up after themselves a little better, but loves them anyway... then some friends came around the corners and i think they scared the janitor lady...so we said our farewells "it was nice meeting you"..and away she went... i jumped head first into socialization (if it's a word)... however, it seems that the longer i spend in solitude the harder it is to stay focused when i first come out of it... or maybe there were just too many people in there at a time... who knows... then my class let out and there were more people...always a joy.....so i mingled...and mingled...until 3:30 rolls around and finally i escaped only to go to um..the place above the lunchroom...laugh if you will, but i walked in merely looking for more people to talk to...so i talked to them... and then as i was leaving i found that a friend was leaving at the same time as i...so i decided to walk with her...all the way to big b...and back by myself...and i stopped again just as i reached campus to chat it up with another friend... and finally i escaped again... into the stillness of my room... i cuddled up with my roommate as she read a book...
instead of writing my paper?
instead of writing my paper.
we went to dinner at the usual time.. 5:40.... more people...back to the room... off to a concert...not so many people... but let's just say i was reminded of the joy that comes from the christmas season... carols like silver bells soak the air and each note hydrates the soul...ugh...i love it... i could close my eyes and see the stillness of the crisp, clear night... a cloud rises with each breath...and snow flakes falling ever so gently as the tune just hovers in the silence... made me want to go for a walk... so i did...
instead of writing my paper?
instead of writing my paper.
i walked and sang and sang and walked and enjoyed the chill of winter bundled in my oversized winter coat, scratchy striped scarf, and warm soft gloves... i was actually quite cozy believe it or not... it's not exactly my favorite thing to do...walk circles around campus...i'd much rather walk down streets or through the park or something of the sorts, however...hmm... probably wouldn't be the wisest of all decisions... oh well...i enjoy my campus mile walks well enough... ...well enough to participate in them instead of writing a paper... ha...
and now here i am...writing about all the things that keep me from writing my paper... ironic? hmm... perhaps just a result of what happens when a writer isn't confident in their material.... procrastination...slacking off... call it what you will... but i've enjoyed spending my time elsewhere than at a computer desk typing a formal, stiff necked paper...
i'd much rather babble on about what i've done in a day....so i did...
instead of writing my paper?
instead of writing my paper.

life is good

in the last blog i mentioned a morning hug from God... well, i just casually mentioned it in my blog and like a minute afterwards i was talking to a friend online and in conclusion to our conversation we were talking about how sweet and good God has been to us and she said, "but His hugs are the best"... and i was like, "Hey!!!" ... how random is it that two people associate God's love with hugs? most people don't think of it that way...err...i don't think they do?.... well anyways...we made the pact to focus on hugs from God today... just to let Him envelope us in His arms... it's been an awesome thing... you should try it :)
but instead of focusing on doing things to please Him... instead of worrying about this or that... i've just Lived... went through the day appreciating the sunshine and the breeze... the company of friends... i love my work and the kids that i work with...even when they're crazy and won't quit...ugh i love them... and i got to make hot cocoa at work...hot cocoa with chocolate spoons... (heaven)... and then sarah and i ate in the cafe and we went to church and i got to chill with 7th and 8th graders....i think God's going to do some awesome stuff in there... today i was able to talk a little bit about what my purity ring stands for...don't i love to provide their precious minds with an alternative way to live...and an alternative motive to live for.... it's going to be interesting....i pray God uses me there... after church i wanted to go to fca but i also wanted to go bowling in hopes to meet some new people and different faces... well i chose bowling, but new people? not so much... i wasn't quite as out going as i'd liked to be... i was caught in the middle of two groups of people on opposing sides of the bowling alley... it's not very fun when you want to spend time with two separate groups... if they'd had two lanes next to eachother it would have been a lot easier but i found myself torn... so i bowled a game at each lane... and ended up leaving with a person other than the one i came with... i don't like being torn... hmm... well neway...kim and i went to wal*mart and after searching through all of wal*mart and picking up several different items only to leave them randomly in different places throughout the store...i finally found something sarah would like that was under 2 dollars... MUFFINS... and i had the chance to bring those home to her :)
now i'm going to bed...so i can get up early and start a new day off right...
ugh...i can't even explain the contentment you can have in Christ... just the joy of sitting back, closing your eyes, and being completely satisfied...full...not of food...not of wine...or anything this world has to offer... full of something much greater...much sweeter... the knowledge of Christ... the knowledge of the Cross... and the knowledge of the freedom found in it all...

new day

i've missed it somewhere... i've let the passion and focus slip through my fingers somehow... i've realized lately that when i wake up in the morning, sure the first thing on my mind is christ, but it's not the same joyous moment that it was a while back... it used to be like christmas every morning.. i'd get to wake up and He was there waiting and i'd hop into His arms for my morning hug, He'd grab my hand and take me for the ride of my life..sometimes He'd even let me lead a little, directing me quietly from behind...ugh... how do i forget so easily the goodness of the Lord? why do i let myself get caught up in the whirlwinds of the world, forgetting the peace and joy found only in Christ? it's not like these temporal matters have any importance when looking at the span of eternity... it's so easy so easy... to be distracted...

i think this is where it starts... first i come to the descision that everything here is temporal...and i do well with it.. but somehow i get frustrated because i can't see what eternal effects i'm making in simply walking to class... and then i try too hard to be different or something... and i end up getting distracted by the world....then i end up blending in even more than before...

well...no more frustrations...it's a new day... a bright, sunshiny day... i want the freshness of God... the unconfusing simple ways of Christ... i just love Him..that's it...i just want Him..that's it... and i hope to live a simple melody for Him today... no theological issues are going to burden my mind... no worries if i screw up... no burdens except the burdens Christ would have me carry... my eyes are on Him...my heart in His hands...

You and You alone... my heart is Yours...