oregon day

it's a very oregon day outside.
rainy...grey skies...green everywhere....

i get so lost in moments.
i feel lost often.

like, what am i doing here?
where else would i rather be?

i'm sure i let my emotions get the best of me far too often.

i do like lexington...
i'm not sure i love my job, but i do love the hours.
i've been enjoying all the free time i have to read write draw cook create etc.

just wish there was a map to figure all this stuff out.

today, i went to a yoga class, to harvest some greens from my garden so i could have a salad at work tonight, did some laundry, and came home to cook a dinner of vegetables, curry&spices, and canned salmon...mmm....

there's something very good about this.

nap...then...work.

new...

i'm not very good at this.

this meeting new friends.

this socializing.

especially when they're not interested enough to ask me something ...anything.

i enjoyed the show. definitely.

i tried to "involve them" in my thoughts of it.
tried to see their own.

it's weird..because..i love people. i love meeting NEW people.
i just look like some friendless, antisocial fool, which i am not.
not.at.all

what did i do wrong?


just to clear you up:
my best friend/roommate left me for texas so i'm trying to broaden my friendship bubble. ...it's been rather difficult, but i am rather impatient. this new guy from the church i go to 'invited' me to this benefit thing. i go. hang out. spot them mid-evening. meet them. spend the rest of the night enjoying/critiquing the show and occasionally trying to make conversation. granted, loud music is never an efficient assistant to the conversationalist, however.. ......i just think you can work your way around such obstacles to make friends/help someone feel welcome.....but.who am i? and what the fuck do i know.
so...at the end of the evening when he tells me 'they' are going to eat....and perhaps he'll see me at church tomorrow...without further adieu...i, first, make a failed attempt to say my 'goodbye's and 'nice meeting you's...and then...leave.

so..here i am....mascara streaked and hungry.

ready for bed.

maybe tomorrow.

letter to a friend

so heidi, dear. since you won't answer your phone i'm going to write you. i wish i remembered the day that people sent these things via post. i would have to wait some 2 weeks to months for your response. weren't those the days?

here are my thoughts.

i don't really care about my bachelor's. it would be lovely to study more and set up a practice of natural medicine as a nurse practitioner so i could assist people in healthier ways of healing, however, i'm not there right now. i'm not ready for that kind of responsibility/maturity. i'm happy making what i do and using it for what i have used it for (travel, donations, delicious food, and coffee). i like the idea of sticking around in lexington and building up a great community and becoming more involved...i'm just not as excited about that as i am other things. and while i feel saddened at the idea of separating myself from the friendships i have built...those precarious adventures we've discussed and i have in my head stir my heart and my imagination and... i'm ready to go after them. i want to continue on.

perhaps by signing on to continue this life of nomadism i'm equally signing my consent to be alone forever, but oh...i'd much rather live a short life of passionate adventure than a long life of knowing what's in store. i believe it is possible to have stability and consistency of heart and mind amidst instability and inconsistency of location and circumstance. i'd like to find out.

of course, of course, i'll think more of all of this. i did only talk to you last night and tell you of my plans to continue studying..... we'll see we'll see.

in the meantime: here are my sketched out plans.

my contract is up in september. i'll save as much money as possible til then.
i have two options.
either i take 2 weeks off from work and we travel the west coast, or i quit altogether, we do a month trip somewhere like Chile, and then upon return we travel nurse until february, preferably Oregon or Cali. i'll be applying to the February term of London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine's Tropical Nursing Diploma Program this week. No matter what, I believe I'm going to go do that at least.
And, Alaska next summer. :)

Also, in December is a family reunion on Oregon. I'd like to attend.

Questions:
*Do you think the economy will be sucky still this fall? If so, Cali may be a better travel nursing option than Oregon.

If you have any ideas/advice, let me know. I'm completely willing to work with you on this.


P.S.
Doesn't this sound so much more exciting than studying for a degree i'm not sure i care about in a place i love but am not entirely eager to remain in?
I think so.


[i feel like i'm reading an excerpt of a modern "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac....except it's my life, and i'm writing it]

dear world...

perhaps i should be happy with having a consistent life. i do love my apartment. with my lopsided hardwood floors and pretty curtain in the bedroom/living room. i love my red sheets on my queen loft bed. i love my photographs and colorful lamps...and even the kitchen, with it's fancy countertop, unleveled refrigerator and studio lighting. i really enjoy riding my teal nashiki bicycle to my amateur garden. i enjoy going to the coffee shops or parks to read and sip the goodness (even if the baristas look at my funny when i order extra shots of caffeine and caramel). i love living on my own, washing my own dishes...those antique carnival glasses i got from the peddler's mall...and the brown tinted glass dish-ware i guiltily purchased from evil wal*mart. waking up to some angus&julia stone early in the morning and sitting in my green cushy love seat next to my brown book-filled shelves covered in blankets given to me by my family and confiscated from south african airlines. i really love all of this. those things.

i'm an hour and a half from my family...the best family. ...the best of friends are only a phone call away. i have a great job...i have very interesting people around me. some who would have more to do with my life if i let them in...some who i'd love to let them have more to do with my life...maybe...

who could do this their whole life? haha...lots of people. most people.

most people stay in one place... they do this. this consistent life.

perhaps i'm absurd for wanting to move. to travel. to explore. is that what i want?
i feel....sad...thinking my nomadism could separate me from the friendships i've formed. people can't rely on someone so inconsistent, can they?

i've been thinking of studying more...getting into an RN-BSN program. ....not exactly at the top of my list, but i figured now was the time...i have perfect opportunity to study more....it would really encourage a stable life...at least for a year anyways.

why not?
i'm just not sure it's exactly what's right for me. it makes sense, but....

...i suppose the things right now on my heart...the things i think about often...are:
1. Oregon...oh, oregon....
2. London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine: Tropical Nursing Diploma Program...i've always wanted to study abroad.
3. learning medical spanish in South America.
4. Primitive Camping... would love a long trip.
5. Cycling...longer distances than around town

I think those are some of my main interests....4 and 5 can be involved in any of those first 3 really...

how can i make this happen?
my contract is up sept 15th. ...save money until then.
i could take a month off to go to volunteer in Chile or some other place of need...(or not)
I could come back and do travel nursing in Oregon or Cali until February of 2011...then go to London for 4 months to study abroad.

this sounds so much more exciting than studying for a degree i'm not sure i care about in a place i love but am not entirely eager to remain in.

the big catch:
probably an ironic, silly one:
probably He's laughing at me....but...
would GOD rather have me stay here to learn something about consistency, stability, LIFE.....?
or would HE support me to run wild, chase ideas down, and live precariously...?

hmmm....

hahaha...hopeless.

work

i work two days a week.
i'm enjoying it.
i stay up all day saturday, go into work til sunday morning. sleep til sunday evening. get up and spend a few hours doing odd things and then go into work until monday morning. where i'll sleep for a bit and start my week.

it's a relief getting off on monday morning. it's a relief knowing on sunday morning that i've got half of my "work week" finished. i don't want to pick up extra days.

why?

i don't think i'm lazy. i think the work is heavy...the emotional weight alone is enough to crush me... i think i'm a wussy. my patients have to face their suffering everyday and i get to walk away from it. i don't have to face it but twice a week.

last night was intense. i walked in and already one antibiotic was an hour and half late and another was due on a lady who needed a new IV because the nurse before "just didn't have time for it" (quoted the patient...and who knows how true it is). then some people were working with the medication administration between 8 and 9 which is the main time for passing out bedtime meds, so that was awesome.

already the tension was high.
and it didn't really stop.

at ten three of my patients had attractably abnormal vital sign results. i had medications due that were late. those two things alone are enough to keep you haggard.

i kind of like it. i like staying up on my toes. keeping busy. saving people. but i only like it if i do the job well. if i can do everything i need to do. last night i feel fairly comfortable that i was able to keep my priorities straight. who knows how much i missed.....

i hope i missed nothing...i always hope i missed nothing...

big day.

today....
woke up at around 830....am.
planned a bike route.
rode to my garden.
watered my garden.
rode my bike via bike-route-out-of-my-ass (a.k.a. not according to plan)
stopped in fancy neighborhood to photograph the flowering trees.
stopped at sign saying "book store open to public" at an opening in an ugly warehouse building.
didn't have cash, so continued biking.
returned to my garden.
took photos of my new sprouts towering ~0.5cm above the earth's surface.
rode home.
cooked lunch for david and i.
went to babysit miracle and felix for the brown's.
changed more diapers in two hours than i have collectively in six years.
rode home.
surfed the internet/caught up with some friends/etc.
went to the coffee shop.
read more of "Anna Karenina"
spoke with ex-coffee house crush.
rode home.
watched two romantic comedies.
the end.


it's kind of weird how so many of the things going on in my life point back to relationships. Leo Tolstoy's book...marriage, attempt of marriage, fucking marriage up.... last night david brought up relationships and wanted my input about them... well, of course watching two romantic comedies gets you thinking about relationships as well...

suffering.

my patients...some of them might get better, but not real better.

theirs is a rough, devastatingly painful road to an unpreventable, looming end.

i'm not going to lie, sometimes i just wish they had a better attitude about it.
some people do...some people are obviously suffering and can still conjure a smile and thank you for your care. i appreciate those people. as far as the others go...i don't think i've completely understood how i feel. i feel something strong inside me. a jump inside of me that aches. i ache for them. i can't imagine their emotions.

what's that like?
what kind of emotions would you have facing your end?
knowing there's no bright, possibility-filled future ahead of you? only more suffering until your end....
or if your only option of enjoying your future was having the presentation of your 'conditions' stifled by medications and treatments...living while you knew your body was dying...and not just that, but so close to death.

of course, we all are dying. even those just born.... but it's not as close for some of us. not as painful. not as sufferable. not as evident in our futures. some of us can put those things away and live as tho we have forever.

some of us have futures and still take on these thoughts of death. living like we're already dead. suffering inside a cave, alone.

oh, soul...see the good.

awkward

yesterday i went to try on some bridesmaid dresses in prep for a good friend's wedding this summer. tangerine. choice between halter, boat neck, and strapless. all on my own, i took them into the dressing rooms. a big square with no mirrors, so you have to come out of the corner and show yourself to everyone. excellent.
while i was there an old man and his...wife?...were also making use of the mirrors and rooms. she was trying what seemed most likely to be mother of the bride dresses. so the old man sat outside her room and had the opp to view us both as we came out to consider ourselves. i didn't actually know he had noticed me because neither seemed very eager to discuss anything. strapless. boat. halter. as i questioned the last dress in the mirror, the old man looked around and whispered "the first one" and then jerked his head away as tho the voice came from someone else. i smiled and said, "you think so?" and he nodded assuringly, but sideways, with his eyes turned away from me.
so i tried the strapless on again just to be sure. i glanced at him in case he had an approving look to offer. none. it was as tho i wasn't there. but sure enough he was right. it was more flattering.
and as i gathered my dresses together and left the area, i called to them, "goodbye!" ...and they both glanced at me strangely offering no response.
hilarious.
was he trying to hide noticing me?
is that just their character?
were they embarrassed at being there?
did i look like a freak or smell strongly of alcohol?
i just wonder sometimes.

sun

i woke up at 10 today. sunshine already wide awake enjoying the breeze.
rode my bike to the gardens to see my small plot after what has been nearly two weeks now since the first day i "prepped" it for sowing. there are two random plants of spinach and kale that survived the winter and one onion that i wonder about. i allowed them to exist yet another day because i'm actually unsure how their leaves/root will taste after such a long battle.
i planted a row of kale, spinach, carrots, and calendula this morning. i had thought the sun would be shining down on me but at 11 in the morning the sun isn't at the necessary height to stand over the tall trees just at the edge of the park. the temperature was perfectly comfortable as i "labored" in the shade. it didn't take long to poke enough holes to nearly fill my 6x6 plot with seeds. then i walked my bike and belongings over to one of the trees and sat at its base with my legs in the sun as i began reading leo tolstoy's "Anna Karenina."

A few visitors came through the garden as I read. One black man and his two giant dogs came around. One fellow gardner. Then the two mainly responsible for the garden itself came by as well...busy with their intent to receive a new load of mulch. Nine chapters later I gathered my things to go...nature was calling.

I returned home to extend a few calls to mother and friends.. then rode my bike leisurely down the street and back until it was time to meet Amanda for coffee. we discussed the perils of work and life while also considering our fortunes and the promising summer adventures that await us. opportunities abound. really.
A man sat beside us as we were just gathering our things to leave. he began speaking to us, something about rapping and tips, as he set a plastic cup at his feet. he asked us for a topic and promised us a poem. why not. and so we stood for a moment longer than we wanted to listening to his vulnerability, tipped him a couple bucks, thanked him, and went our ways.

and now i sit finishing my bowl of vanilla yogurt, spinach, and blueberries...mentally preparing for my journey to morehead to visit my sara, where b-dubs and beer await us.

prison

tonight i stood in a patient's room a little longer than i suppose i usually would. i had some moments. i was just making rounds to make sure things were going okay. i told him happy easter and he was surprised that easter it was. he asked me if i had kids. i said no. i asked him if he did. he said no. then he lied and i stood in silence for a bit. i looked around. the room got kind of bigger. quieter. emptier. the tv was on, but from where his head was on the other side of his mound of a belly he probably couldn't see it at a great angle. the sound wasn't up much anyways and it seemed like it was on an infomercial. here he was just lying there. unable to move to scratch his nose, much less wander about the small room. i wonder how it would be to lie and stare at the ceiling or walls for hours with no one around consistently but techs and nurses in and out throughout the night. how isolated that must feel. how separate he must seem. it would be so easy to be come detached from the spaces around you.

i stood with him offering what presence i could muster. hoping he felt my attempt to 'be' with him for a moment.

and then so and so called out for pain medication and i knew whowho had a med due half an hour ago, so i squeezed his hand and left him to fend for himself in the prison of illness alone.