...it'd be nice...

it'd be nice... to have someone to tell about all the things i think of telling...
it'd be nice...to have them sitting across the room from me.... and every now and then catch one another's eyes...hold their warmth for only a moment....and then refocus on whatever it is that requires my attention....
it'd be nice... to have someone to go get egg nog with...who wants to sit and chat and drink it from wine glasses and drop me off at a reasonable hour....
it'd be nice... to have someone to play with....
it'd be nice... to have someone to go on walks with...at all hours of the day....or night...
it'd be nice... to have someone to call when something good happens...when something bad happens....or when i just want to say how much i liked today....
it'd be nice...to have someone to talk about bone cement with...and blood...and vasoconstriction
it'd be nice... to have someone to talk about prayer with...and passions...
it'd be nice... to have someone to sit beside....and not talk at all
it'd be nice...to have someone who doesn't expect too much from me... ...but believes in me alot.
it'd be nice... to have someone who wanted to live adventurously beside me...
it'd be nice... to be sought out, explored, and challenged....
it'd be nice...to have someone to seek out, explore, and challenge.
boy....would it be nice....

i'm not lonely... i don't need this... but i know what i want....eventually...

like-minded

If someone said to me, "Theresa, I will give you a little house in the country, with three wonderful kids, a great job, a beautiful husband who loves you more than you could imagine, a great retirement plan, and no more worries." I would reply with a half-hearted smile. One part disbelief and the the other part saddened... knowing that opportunity is one I wouldn't really want to take... there is some part of me that desires all those things. But there is another part of me that wants to experience the world. The danger, the love, hurt, pain, suffering, excitement, the challenge, the competition, and all the other things that make this experience, well, human...

I really do not know what I want out of life. I don't want what my family has. I don't want what my friends desire... But what is it that I desire? I desire to change things. Deep inside I want to fix hurts, help the helpless, love the unlovable, care for sick, feed the hungry. I want lead rebellions, fight bad governments, change bad laws, make good laws, stop prostitution, stop molestation of children, encourage people to help others in countries where they need help...

I wish people would find the Lord so they wouldn't keep living shit hole lives filled to the brim with smelly shit...

but how do i do that? How do I help people?
I would like to make enough money to go to varying places in the world, think up strategies and begin to implement new ideas that would change peoples lives forever. Perhaps give them the same opportunities people in America have...
I would also like to help out in America...

So my first goal. IS to finish nursing school...so i can make some money...and change things.... i honestly wish i had more time to be involved now... but due to sometimes time-wasting decisions (possibly this) and the whole of nursing...i don't have much time for much else....


-most of this written by mi hermano fantastico

confused a little....

it's odd participating in events and a schedule contrary to the one that i've been attending and living in for a while... it's hard to make sense of.. it scares me...i suppose because i don't want to follow the same path that i followed before...a life of purity and loyalty and then a sharp downfall to apathy and death pretty much... i don't want to be so naive again... i don't want to lie to myself... or others. i want to be honest, real, and alive....

i just question myself i guess... yes, i drink...yes, i go to the prayer chapel....no, i don't think drinking is wrong... yes, i think drinking too much is bad... yes, i'm human...yes, i make mistakes... no, i don't have it all figured out yet....yes, i'm working on it....no, i don't want to be stupid anymore.... yes, i want the Lord to heal me.... yes, i want Him to lead me... yeah, i don't want to be trapped anymore... yeah...i want victory...i want success in the Lord.... i want purity....

i guess i'm just saying i'm trying...i'm living... i'm looking to Him as best as i can right now...

bound...

i don't want to be...
tied down to opinion
identified by acceptance
outlined by definities
completed by approval

i want to be whole...here...now...alone

i don't want to need....
someone else's blessing
someone else's belief of me
someone else's love
someone else's shoulder

i want to be strong....here...now...alone

and at the same time... it seems i'm bound...

goals

how can i?
i'm not what sure each of these things means...
but i want to understand how to...

loose the chains of injustice

untie the cords of the yoke,

set the oppressed free

and break every yoke

share your food with the hungry

provide the poor wanderer with shelter

when you see the naked, clothe him,

don't turn away from your own flesh and blood.

honestly, it's probably a lot more obvious (the intent of the words) than i give it credit for....

please....

"i will not accuse forever, nor will I always be angry,
for the spirit of man would grow faint before me - the breath of man that I have created.
I was enraged by his sinful greed; I punished him, and hid my face in anger,
yet he kept on in his willful ways.
I have seen his ways, but...
I will heal him;
I will guide him and restore comfort to him,
creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israel.
Peace, peace, to those far and near," says the Lord.
"And I will heal them."
- isaiah 57:16-19

this is my hope...that You would heal me... because i'm tired of healing myself... i know i need to place myself in positions to be healed...to experience Your hand in my life.. i can't remain closed to You and expect You to break through, can i? honestly, i'm supposing You've already done that for me... haven't You? how else would i be where i am now... thinking of these things, doing these things.... i think maybe it has to be You...and Your pulling on the strings of my heart....

i want more.... more hope...less despair....more peace...less panic....more passion...less apathy... more heart...less stone.... more life....less death.....

honestly, a bit of me wonders if i mean it... or if it could be attainable.... so maybe i'm just speaking it .... hoping it will happen... but Lord... i need You to keep loving me....and wanting me...

si o no?

so...seriously...what's right? what's wrong? who should i be? who can i be? ultimately, who do i want to be? random besos con amigos es okay con migo?? kind of not... but kind of.... is it worth it? naaaaaaa..... yo necesito pensar a q es importante a mi... yo se q mi espanol es muy malo... but i like trying :) *sigh*....blah...

filled in....

ok.. so... yes... my life used to be pretty much perfect..flawless.. not that i ever thought it was.. because i sure had issues with trying to 'fix' myself...and maybe now i sit here looking back to then a little blind.. a little biased because that girl before hadn't made the sort of mistakes or gone through mud quite as thick as the girl sittin here now has....

but i feel like i have more depth...more experience... more understanding... i feel like i see things clearer... but maybe not...maybe that's a lie...

it's almost like before...i was a black and white picture...with lots of space...
and now... maybe things are colored in a little... there are details to examen....there are depths to explore....

i'll have to think about it more... but... right now i think i'd rather be this girl than that girl...

hope.

you wake up one morning and your world changes...it just looks different... the strength of mind or an act of God? ...sometimes i'm not really sure.... but i'd sure like to give Him credit... for wanting to do something here... i'm not so sure what the difference is... i guess... hope. kinda like you're sitting alone in your room, maybe you're locked in there and can't figure out how to get the door open... and the lights won't go on... and then all of a sudden it cracks open.. and light shines through.. just a little... but it makes you sure someone's finally come for you...you're not alone anymore... there's no need to fear....

i want to make the most of this life.
i don't want to drink life away
i don't want to sleep with randoms
i don't want to wake up to darkness
i don't want to walk in it
i don't want to hate people
i don't want to be bitter
i don't want to bring sorrow into people's lives
i want to bring hope
i want to bring joy
i want to encourage
i want to dance
i want to sing
i want to run
i want to find the good in all people
i want to show them the love of God

i want change.

for all of us.

God don't leave me...
and give me the wisdom and strength to not leave you....

a dream....

i'm silly for writing this...but... GOSH...

just outstanding.
so adventurous
and brave
and bold
and strong
stubborn
smart
unique
challenging
purposeful
selfless
passionate
wise
humble
creative
Godly
open
thoughtful
caring
free
good-looking
true
honest
sure
outward-focused
willing
intentional
encouraging
a leader
utterly profoundly intensely amazing......

i don't think i'm up to par.....it'll take time to get there i think... but GEEZ... something to look at...

colors

so...i'm not sure how it happened.. or when.. maybe ...

but i see colors again... God.. it's so nice.. to see the colors...



i guess i've been so preoccupied with nursing...the stress of it.. thinking it's the only thing that matters...that i've only seen grey...



i forgot God has His own plans.. and they'll work out..i just have to be me.. i don't have to organize life or make things happen on my own...


...just do my best....

so... i put the biggest thing of my life in His hands.. something i haven't done in a while... something i probably forgot how to do

...but god...look at them... they're extravegant... pure... clear...fantastic... unique.... free








the only thing i'm scared of...




is not seeing them tomorrow....

purpose

i was thinking before i went to class...

why?

why do i care how to start an iv?

administer fluids?

give shots?

recognize signs and symptoms of illness and diseases?

and immediately i saw myself holding a child... ill, emaciated, bones showing through dry, leathery, cracked skin...and eyes glazed over...waiting to be helped...waiting to be cured....

and i imagined not knowing what to do...and feeling helpless.... knowing the cure was simple and obvious, but i couldn't think of it... and needed someone else's opinion...or needed more training... more experience...

is it crazy to want to live a life not for yourself but solely for others?

is it possible to achieve goals you wouldn't necessarily aim for on your own, but the knowledge that lives could be changed if you DID makes you able and willing?

can i forgive myself for feeling so strongly about the need for me to do this and then turning around failing at it?

snap out of it

it could just be a mental thing....wake up...press on because you have to. just do it. and enjoy it.
DECIDE to enjoy it. DECIDE you can do it.....

...i just don't feel like i can. i try to..and maybe it happens for a split second... and then suddenly i'm back to where i started.... maybe darker. i feel like i haven't seen color for 2 years... is it me? or is it nursing? or is it campbellsville? .....or is it chew? .i. hate. this. life. but would i be happier somewhere else? ....i think i'd be happier somewhere where i felt like i was successfully accomplishing something.

losing sight

soo.. pretty sure i pretty much hate nursing school. you know what? maybe i don't hate it... but i remember when i used to get stressed out for track practice if i knew it was going to be a hard day. i would not be able to eat much at lunch...and would feel sick to my stomach the entire day. i'd talk with my friends about whether or not i should quit...because if i was going to..THAT was the day for it. all i could think about...was track...and how sick i was going to be after it. yeah i felt great after i finished the day... but it sucked..i feared it. each week it was the same...and each week the fear kinda got worse. and each week i wondered if i was giving myself an ulcer.... but at the end of the day i could eat anything i wanted...and my body looked pretty good... worth it? .....i dunno....
the next year of school i played soccer. it wasn't as hard. i actually enjoyed it. i played and it became something i was pretty good at (for a 1st year beginner). i maybe wasn't the BEST but i had a lot of fun doing it. we ran....and worked hard...but it wasn't like track. i didn't stress out... it came easy.
the Next semester of school...i didn't run track. and yes...i still run.... but I decide to. nobody tells me. nobody times me. and i don't HAVE to go a certain distance. i do what i want. i could do more.. but why kill yourself?

so with nursing.... i feel like i'm killing myself. slowly dying. each day the leaves get greyer... and each day the ulcer in my stomach becomes more. and each day i wonder why i'm trying so hard at something i'm not good at. i haven't made a B on something since 3 semesters ago. i haven't excelled.. i don't feel competant. i don't feel able. i don't like it. i don't have fun. i feel stressed. i feel worried. i feel inept. i feel exhausted. i feel alone. i feel like i hate life and i hate school and i hate people because they can't understand and nursing is mostly all i think about. i hate that i feel like i've changed from someone who loves life to someone struggles to appreciate anything. i hate going to do something every day that i'm not good at and don't enjoy. i miss freedom. i miss joy. i miss adventure.

you know.. maybe without nursing...i wouldn't be able to eat everything i wanted... but... it never bothered me so much with soccer...i adapted. and i loved soccer so it didn't matter. god, i wish i went into communications.

so..am i crazy?

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

it looks like maybe.... this is somewhat disturbing...............

surging

i want to live...
i want to laugh...
i want to love.
i want adventure and meaning.
i want fullness.
i want light.
i want to experience new cultures, new faces, new places.
i want to fly.
i want to soar.
i want more.
more sunshine.
more rain.
more purpose.
more gain.
i want to run.
conquer.
climb.
to the highest point of the mountain...
so i can see it all...
the tip of the waterfall...
the darkest part of the cave...
the most savage island...

a slave to adventure and exploration
nothing really to find...
doesn't take much prompting
to leave everything behind...



if i could but capture the wind...
if i could hang to the breeze
i didn't know hearts could sprout wings
damn the ribs, the flesh, that contains these things...