LSHTM

so...a few months ago (august to be exact) i sent in my app for the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine Tropical Nursing Diploma Program. (mouthful right?)

i tried to apply in march, but circumstances (several) didn't allow the app to go through and after hitting the wall so many times i suppose i procrastinated too long to send my application in.

there are 65 slots in this program and all of them were filled by the time they got my application and accepted it. i suppose i should be excited by that one key word "accepted." i don't necessarily feel extremely let down by it. i was just hoping that something would be settled this month. i could tell people "yes, this is what's happening next in my life." i could start preparing for something definite. and now, here i am, still waiting.

i'm so glad i wasn't 'rejected' tho. that would be terrible. kind of... at least it would be definite. i could start applying for travel nursing positions.... or looking into other programs...or something. bah. the fluidity of life.

how do i prepare for a maybe?

...such is life.

bikes & photos

passing the time and thought this was interesting...biking and photography. two of my favs :)

Downtown from Behind

veggie tomato soup

1 med onion chopped

1/2 cup green beans chopped

1 lg green pepper chopped

3 garlic cloves (i love garlic)

1 tsp sesame oil

2 tbs olive oil

fry these til near soft

i used a separate frying pan

add ~1 cup diced tomatoes

here i switched to the pot in the picture

1 can tomato soup

~7oz coconut milk

1 can corn

1 can drained black beans

1/2 small bag of spinach

~black pepper

~seasoned salt

~bouillon cube (i used chicken flavor - that’s just what i have)

~splash of worcestershire sauce

1 jalepeno diced

for the initial adding of ingredients i keep the stove at medium heat.

once the spinach has softened a bit and is more involved in the rest of the soup i turned the heat to simmer and stirred occasionally.

notes:

*dice green pepper and green beans.

*simmer vegetables to your desired consistency

i’m no expert.... but i, otherwise, find this fairly delicious served hot with a piece of whole wheat bread.

or...for the unhealthy one...or child inside of you....add goldfish. (the cheesy cracker kind)

one minute

good morning world.

can i see you different today.

scrape off the scrap

that might not hold me back

but wears me down.

through sewn cathedral windows

around the world we go

you grace over me

somehow drunken by twilight

tender pangs of lust

for love i can’t own

i’ll let you have a piece of me

so i won’t feel alone

so close to freedom

to my skin holding in

then my flesh betrays me

i’ve lost control again

scraps scraps i pull together

guessing on the pattern as i go

you overlook my creations

you want deeper things, i know

so here’s my body here’s your prize

i’ll get lost, i’ll close my eyes

warmth...warmth for one minute

for one minute you love me.

i've been cutting fabric for my next quilt.

caught myself in the blade. :(

went waterskiing with the family the other day. my time to shine. i finally got up! :)

and i don't think i'm ever going to be able to talk politics with my family.

quench

volumes of those archaic days get opened now

the dust billows off like snow

my sight is laced with days of old

traditions rise. traditions i used to know

feelings familiar with hope

wrapped in snugly in a love soaked cloak

i tremor from the test of reality

despise emotions to get the best of me

but you feel so real you see

and i can only hope

it's as true as you say it is.

new dress

made this for an xavier rudd concert this last week.

ali

My roommate's father is an aged, tall (but not as tall as my own father) Persian man of confidence. In the photos I've seen, he's dark: with dark eyes, dark hair, and a rather strong, powerful stature resonates through the worn ink...making you feel as tho, if he were standing over you with that same stern look, your own future would feel very dark. I was a bit nervous about meeting him and cleaned my house rather frantically in the 2 hours I had to prepare for his arrival. He would come in the night while I was at work. I would meet him in the morning or at some point during the evening of the next day.

I ended up getting sick at work that night...so I came home rather miserable...and went to sleep rather thankful I saw no one in between the door and my bed...and also hopeful that no one would be in to wake me, until I either died or came alive again.

I forget our initial conversation. It must have been me explaining my current position, or him requesting some such of information about our house and the placement of things. He came do do work for his son, after all.

I ended up coming alive that first day and we spent an hour or so discussing who we each were and where we each were going. He was the accomplished man I thought he was, having overcome and conquered obstacles many of us will never know, he is now able to serve and assist the dear family he values most. I was pleased that he accredited his wife with the responsibility of keeping him so healthy and well. The conversation ended with quite a long spiel about me never giving up on what I truly want out of this world. I was hesitant (and later understood why) to tell him during this spiel that of course I never would give up, if only I could figure out what I wanted....because once I let out this truth it led to a new spiel. One more excited on knowing yourself.

Unfortunately, I spent the majority of the first 2 days we had together in bed, sick, and sleeping. On occasion he would wake me to ask a question, once to offer me a sandwich he purchased for me at the local market store, a few times just to see if I was still living. He was very kind and gracious and carried himself in a much softer, quieter, more gentle position than his son. As opposed to the idea that he may find me lazy, he encouraged me to rest. "Rest is different than laziness."

Once I could stand mid-week, I had a quest to prepare a dress for a concert in the evening. He compared my methods of sitting cross-legged on the new Persian rug he brought for us, cutting fabric apart and stitching it together, to his own relatives and ancestors who apparently did "precisely the same." He give me a few tips to a successful completion, tips that turned quite valuable in the end. He said my dress was "beautiful" and looked "pretty" on me specifically. He said I did well.

Then he acted as gentle father and questioned a boy that came to accompany myself and a friend to a concert mid-week.

He proceeded the next day to discuss relationships with me, asking me how the youth of our generation and culture perhaps differed from the youth and generation of his own. We contemplated over how very different boys are from girls, and how they both must take care of their hearts, and not give in to merely picking a spouse because they have "a good body" or are caught up in youthful physical romance. He reflected on his wife being beautiful outside and INSIDE "which is the fact that matters the most."

Ali was very gentle. While he got much done around the house (he's a go-getter) and while on occasion he had a very challenging (nearly overwhelming) speech to give me about achievement in my career and in my education, he was gentle and caring and displayed deep love for his son, for God, and for serving. Ali was gracious, he allowed an unsettling temperament not to disturb him, for in due time that lesson will be learned. Ali was good. I enjoyed his sweet presence in my home. I felt like a little girl with her father near, taking care of her home and encouraging her with his words of wisdom.

At the end of it all, he hugged me tightly and kissed both my cheeks. He told me I was wonderful and he was thankful to meet me and thankful that I was in his son's home. He even said he loved me. Then he left. And now he's gone. My home is my own again, with Ali's rugs on my floor and words in my heart.

once

you're only here once, you know?

this moment.

this day.

this hour.

we all get second chances, third chances, fourth chances....etc... every new moment is the opportunity to start living out our dreams and begin to make the changes we've "always wanted to" in our lives. our past stays the same though....no chances to change yesterday.

you can go back and fix a seam or a stitch...but even then they've usually left a mark in the fabric. it's best to do it right the first time.

you're only here once.

and once is now.

be patient and put the needle in the right place.

is life so similar to needlework?

i wish we were given an outline whence we came into this world.

to oregon

my dreamland...

with her broad blue sky laced upon the outskirts with fir trees, yellow fields and mountains. where vibrant flowers flourish and rich sweet berries are merely a step away....

her coast, though drizzly and dark, still contains such powerful beauty and strength. i'm overcome with the silent roar of ocean that settles upon me, sweeps around me, drowns out my ideas of what could possibly be beyond it. her coolness pricks my ankles while her distance only grows as i look upon her.

it's odd that i feel so much for a place that is merely a place. people live and grow plants and ride bikes and have their hearts broken and mended and they die... just like anywhere. at times i wonder if my warmth for oregon and the west is merely a fancy birthed from the sweet memories of my youth. perhaps merely a serving of wanderlusting or wanting to be where i am not. you know the saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side."

i have accepted that, should i ever again get to call her soil my own, life will not magically become all i could have ever hoped and dreamt for. i have accepted that oregon is not where i will have the supernatural revelation of what my purpose is in the world. i have understood that by merely implanting my being into her lush gardens my heart will not suddenly become whole.

those battles take place in the heart, in the space and energies of life around you, in the moment you find yourself in. now.

but i still love her.

hectic

at the beginning of the month my friend sara visited for a few days. and then my brother did the next week. (i don't get as many projects worked on when i havevisitors....but i still love them)




the week before the 17th i worked my ace off quilting in order to get my gift ready for my good friend's wedding that weekend. we went all the way to alabama to watch her daddy give her away....and dress up in tangerine dresses.

i spent a couple days at the family's house before i came home...

we also went trout fishing :)

which is something i

've been wanting to do FOREVER....we used to go all the time when i was young and i'd really like to do it more often nowadays....and i was just aching for some trout...my sweet

brother and dad (and some old man) caught the

majority of fish...i actually only caught one :) ....and they gave them all to me! so some friends, my sister and i had a great

trout dinner get-together the night after we returned back to the city. really, there's nothing like some fresh trout, mashed potatoes, and sweet corn. *heaven*

.and when i did eventually get back here i brought my 15 year old sister....who obviously wanted to be shown around, entertained, and go shopping. .kind of wish i had been more patient with her ....next time. i just freak out when i spend too much money and don't spend enough time at home reorganizing my world :) .....we did have fun eating sushi and hanging out. i wish she could hang out more often :)

i also discovered this week that i'm going to get to go to oregon the first week of august to visit for my grandpa's 70th birthday party :) ....it's a surprise. and my mom is throwing it. she hasn't been out there by herself just to enjoy for 17 years. ...(she did go out for a funeral a few years ago...does that even count?) ....i'm really excited to join her...she's so fun and everyone loves her out there... it's going to be an event to be remembered forever i think. did i mention i was excited???

...and...one new item on the crazy list. someone is coming with me. i know i've traveled with people i've just met multiple times....this seems like it's a little different...i'm curious to see how it goes.

....i think sometimes when i start losing control of the things around me my world starts spinning a little bit. i suppose a choice i have is to enjoy the spin and trust the force behind it. i need to breathe a little bit. close my eyes and let it roll over me....

the trouble is...my mind attacks and analyzes...and maybe panics a little....

...so far...it all feels good....and right...and easy....and natural.....

don't panic.

breathe, theresa, breathe....and be....

backspace

So... life doesn't have a rewind button. no backspace. no redoes. what was WAS. and what is IS...and then you get to spend the rest of your life making sense of those things that were. (Some people, I feel, are better at this)

There are plenty of options on how to deal with our pasts. One is to rehash the moments, analyze, make a decision, put the bottle cap back on and recycle that moment in hopes of continuing to make choices that lead to such memories....or you make goals to make some wiser thought processes in the future.

Another is to spend hours on your pillow with thoughts trailing through your mind like an ant farm: what if? if only? shit!!

Then there are those things that happen that are out of our control. The only thing we can really manage at this point are our reactions. We can be positive or we can be negative. We can be torn apart and stay that way or we can hurt and heal. We can be obsessed with the other possibilities or we can learn and grow.

What has happened in the last stages of my life have been quite extraordinary. For the most part, I have accepted what occasions came about and have high hopes for my future. For other parts, I suppose there will always be maybe one "if only" or "i wish" or "why?!" lurking about in my shadows.

I caught a glimpse tonight when I found myself saying,

"I wish I could go back and change this"

I'm not sure that I meant that.

The explorer, adventurer, pursuer in me of course meant it. A part of me is always aching for more.

But I've learned so much in the last five months where I find myself. I've learned to accept things for what they were...accept me for what I am...accept it and embrace it. Kiss it on the mouth and love it. And I've felt safe....and secure...and well taken care of. I feel like this is an avenue of life I might not get to walk down very often. I've been blessed in getting to take the time to nurture my interests (quilting, biking, climbing, writing, reading, etc), spend time with my friends and family, and just BE.........i've been blessed in learning that it's okay to just BE.... and in 'being'...in soaking up your surroundings and meditating on truths and on your heart and in absorbing and acknowledging the life that exists around you: there is so much to learn, so much to feel, so much to embrace. I'm just so thankful to get to rest here a while.

Thank you.

vegetable soup

2 small yellow squash sliced

1 medium onion sliced

3 cloves of garlic diced

1 can of beans (i had a mixed variety)

1 can rotel tomatoes

1 large handful of various greens (mostly kale)

~2 tbs oil

~1.5 cup water

~1/2 cup soup stock

~1 tsp cumin

~2 tsp basil

~1 tsp seasoning salt

~1 tsp pepper

i started out boiling the squash a bit

and grilling the onions and garlic in a tablespoon of oil or so

i emptied out enough of the squash water til there was just enough that just a few squash were peeking out the top....maybe 1.5 cups left?

added the onions and garlic to the squash&water

boiled til it was NEARLY to the softness i like...

added the beans and tomatoes (did NOT drain the cans)

threw in seasonings as preferred.

added the kale/greens....

boiled a while...

grabbed a hunk of bread from a bakery

enjoyed. :)

...recycled the cans :)

i'm too young for this...

july 1, 2010

really?

time passes so quickly.

i spend my days rather selfishly i think. maybe not completely.

every other i go rock climbing. every other i run a few miles. i meet friends for dinner. i make dinner for friends. i quilt gifts for friends and family. i help my roommate work on his house.

i slept in until 11 today. and yesterday. and i'm pretty sure the day before that.

i think it's because i've made some new friends that stay up late...talking...and eating.

it's really comfortable here. yesterday i worked for a few hours in my backyard. making a little garden spot.

i'm not quite sure that my tomatoes like it yet, but i'm hoping they toughen up a bit.

would be nice to see them survive.

my other plot in the community garden is doing well.

my spinach has decided that's enough for the beginning of the summer, so i'll be missing those fresh greens. hopefully the kale will survive a while.

i met marianne for sandwiches at the local french deli yesterday. we biked there. i had a beer. we strolled down second street and saw the brilliant houses of yesteryears and daydreamed about what life had been like in them once-upon-a-time. a younger man walked from his mansion to his old car dressed in capri pants and suspenders. i felt like i stepped back a few decades.

i went to the local theater and watched an old film last night too...

Wild River

it was pretty great. we saw it in color actually. there were hundreds of people there, surprisingly.

i wonder if all this is pointless...

all this domesticity.

i know it won't be for long, but i'm trying to wade in it.

i think learning to be content in all frames of life is important.

i suppose that's what i'm learning....

i'm pretty sure somehow it's good.

good

remember, oh man, that you are dust...and to dust you will return

...................

what a hectic week. moved into my new place. quite the locale for get togethers and all my hobbies and space and peace and quiet. i have fireflies in my front&back yards in the evenings. i have yards. i have a driveway to park my car and a front porch to tie my bike to. so far, i believe i a have a roommate just as eager as i am to create a place people feel welcome to come and enjoy.

i had a cookout for some friends this week also. i made bluecheese stuffed burgers on whole wheat buns, blackbean&rice stuffed green bell peppers, seasoned corn on the cob and fresh watermelon. it was great.

and on my way to work yesterday i got a flat tire and lost some cheese :)

beautiful.

i'm so thankful for this time in my life where i have time to absorb myself in my hobbies, my friends, and all good things.

there's still this inner pull to want more though. always present with me it seems. i think the purpose of this wonderful space of time i have now is to develop the skills that will help me be ready for more when it comes. i still have a lot of areas of character and habits that could improve for the better.

don't forget to water your garden!!!!

.

i miss the swell of you
swole over a heart gone cold
those warm hands over my cool bones
sweet lips on my fingertips
like a shower for my soul

i’d drench down and shake my hair
pull you in to feel you there
close my eyes and soak you in
i’d melt...once again. once again.
i’d melt

i miss the pure and clean and good
dancing in the sun the way one should
with your arms around me
your words surround me
and set me free

and i dance.
i dance with you inside of me

oh i miss the swell of you.

spending

i'm kind of surprised at myself.

i've been without my wallet since the late night of the 20th.

i only realized i lost it on the morning of the 21st.

one day wasn't that much of a problem.

i've already written two checks.

can i really not go 4 days without spending money.

or three days?!

i kind of consider myself a frugal dweller, but apparently i'm not.

i'm not!

this needs to end.

i should not need to spend money every day, every other day, or every three days.

i should be able to live without spending for longer than that.

i think i am getting better, but the number of times in the last 3 days that i've thought: "i'd go get this if i only had my debit card" kind of makes me sick.

the here and now

... instead of trying to create experiences and relationships and 'life'...i'm trying to take things as they come. read the pages in front of me, as it were. it seems like the things that i try to build up from nothing or have to reach out of my existence to obtain are not as simple or sweet as the life that just comes to me. they're almost unnatural. i don't know... i guess life is kind of like a wooden bridge...you have to cross each plank to get to the next one...and they all might have been eaten by the weather in different ways, but crossing them gets you over....and whatever you're crossing over kind of looks different depending on where you are on the bridge, right?

i'm not sure what to think about this little corner of time i've found myself in either tho. it's stable to some extent. i spent many of my last few off days quilting, going to my garden, drinking tea. i did get a tattoo so that's a little out there. (technically unnatural, but it felt natural.) a bike on my left clavicle. i biked there. drank some margaritas with my girls and biked home.

so i find myself here in one of the larger cities of kentucky...colorful, vibrant...full of good music, green thumbs, and great beer. it's sweet.

where am i? what am i doing here?

i don't know.

i think that's the way it will be for most of life. unless you have some awesome purpose.

but i'm learning not to always be waiting. always be looking for the next thing.

some of my purposes are...

love people

be productive

be creative

learn

cooking.

somehow i think i just made something delicious.

i cook randomly and at random. ...just throwing thing in that i might think would taste nice.

so....

i had a couple handfuls of wilting spinach and kale from my garden and knew i needed to do something with it. that's where it started.

1/5 onion: chopped

1 green pepper: chopped

2 cloves garlic: chopped

2-3 tbs. oil (olive, grape, whatever...)

i kinda stir fried these up in my cast iron skillet (i would usually use more onion...it's just what i had)

when they were to my desired tenderness i added:

~3 tbs kilimanjaro sunrise ginger syrup

1 can kidney beans (wanted black beans, but again...what i had)

1 can of cream corn (i meant for it to be normal corn, but.... i opened it

and it surprised me! ...now i didn't have to add any sugar...

2 handfuls of spinach and kale: i wadded them up in my hand and sliced them

in small slices slightly sifting them out the end...

.... like i learned to do in africa.

2 leaves from my onion (kind of like chives....i just did this because

i didn't have any more onion)

2-3 tsp seasoning salt

2 tbs sambal oelek fresh ground chili paste

i think that's all...

oh, brown rice! :) make it separate and lay this topping over it.

...

frail and pale

this one legged sack of potatoes

used to be a man...as tall as me

we turn him every few hours to help prevent bed sores

every half hour because he calls us in out of discomfort.

out of loneliness.

out of the dark.

cold eyes

grey and glazed

look up to no where

at me, through me, past me

to the walls the skies

whatever lies behind...

a cold ass heart comes in

to question

asking when's his time to die..

who wants his body

do i have to bury him

his wife

not even accepted for science

alone in the dark

death looms over him

not even i can see

the weight of his obscurity

not even touch can matter now

facing the darkness that shades his brow

holding his hand, offering care

he could barely see me there...

i can't express what it's like to watch someone waiting alone for death to come.

you can't fix anything at that point

eyes stapled to your destination

when will it end?

daily

we live like there's no one out there.
it's just us and our jobs and our coffee.
our books and our photos...
like no body is out there suffering
nobody is out there dying
due to inequalities
soldiers call "at-ease"
while they're
losing limbs due to tragedies
due to greed, their virginities
defiled and unreconciled
hungry and poor
a new breed, a different cali-bore
displaced
perhaps according to race
sheltered by tarps
world tainted blue
blue grass, blue eyes
blue rice and grass stew
a super human strength
to suffer and survive
and we just have to turn over
drink our coffee
live our lives....

cellphone

the other day i was with a friend on my parent's new houseboat (serious.)

we had a few bottles that were empty and i was precariously handling some of them, along with my clothes...folded within the mass of freedom and entertainment was my cellphone. with no free hands, much less free fingers, i knobidly attempted to open the latch on the swing gate that would allow us to retreat from the fiery top deck to the cool, airconditioned ice chest below.

fwish: the sound of something leaving my arms and escaping through the silver-shined railings.
as i looked overboard,
klok: the sound (and sight) of my cellphone hitting just at the edge of the wooden walkway below..
plop: the sound (and sight) of my cellphone dipping into the murky brown waves that lapped calmly in the 1 foot space between the houseboat and the deck.

hmmm: the sound of me considering my new 'loss'

"oops" -me

and i continued my journey to coolness and recycling.



...since then it's been a little odd...i'll think to check if anyone's called or...perhaps a text.. i know tonight i'm going to have to set an alarm and...i don't have another one..
perhaps if i have any serious people calling me anytime soon...like about jobs or something...then i'll be missing it and having to make other opportunities to speak to people.
but for the most part, i like being extracted from another technology. i like that if someone wants to find me they'll have to try a little harder, maybe... or get skype. then we can talk face to face and i like that better anyways.

we'll see how long this lasts :)

gifts...

i just got my new sewing machine this last week. i sewed first a headband for myself and then a better one for a friend (below). i hope she likes it. :) ....

with all my free time i've been able to devote more attention to some of my "crafts". Looking forward to more creations in the future.

dinner

pop the pop top can...
peel back the tin.
smoked kipper herring
warmed in the oven
along with pita bread
greens from my garden
spinach and kale
smoked amish cheddar
sunset wheat ale.
slide down the cupboards
down to the floor
to the hardwood
green rug-ed floor


here i am.

HERE i am.
here I am.
here i AM.

here. i. am.

camping

wednesday sara and i went camping. i was in charge of most supplies and food. i ended up spending a lofty amount on supplies...but hopefully they'll be things that last me longterm.
we went to RRG and took our time the first day exploring.
Indian Staircase.
Half Moon Arch.
Those were my favorite of the first day.
Gray's Arch was my favorite of the second.
I found that the "unofficial" trails were MUCh more exciting and entertaining...even among those I found myself climbing up the more difficult areas rather than following the cut out path. There were a couple places I felt my fear rise up. Standing 15 feet or more off the ground and swinging myself across, my fingers holding onto one stone and my feet resting unassured on the inclined stones beneath me. Sara didn't follow me everywhere but that's probably a result of wisdom. I just like pushing myself....challenging myself.... knowing that if I make one wrong move I could slip, get a little hurt, break a leg. Most of the places i put myself to this test would only lead to (at worst) a broken leg.....it's so excited tho! in the face of such possible danger! i really felt exhilarated when I crawled around a 2-3 foot wide ledge anywhere between 30-50 feet from the cave floor. *sigh*.... adventure... risk... love...

We camped at Half Moon Arch the first night. It was a challenge to go up the cliff the first time....but I scaled it again alone at sunset to watch the lights go out over the landscape and some of the stars peep out. It was brilliant. And later that night some fellow campers hauled in next to us. They decided to take a late night stroll and climb up the Arch...which I probably knew wasn't the best idea, but couldn't help but join them. I'm glad I did, too. It was so black. We climbed out to the furthest ledge and sat in a little dip of the stone. There was so little surface that the night's light barely reflected off the surface we were sitting on....just a scant haze of grey a few inches around us and the stones faded off into blackness. All around us a line of blackened trees/hills created the horizon line....where a slight glow began and then faded off into an indigo night sky scattered with stars and satellites.
No worries...no one got hurt...thankfully...

All in all, I'm proud of myself. Sara and I set up camp. I built the fires while sara would gather more wood. I cooked and sara enjoyed (at least she said she did!!) It was a great learning adventure and I'm looking forward to the next time, which will only increase my backpacking/camping skills.

oregon day

it's a very oregon day outside.
rainy...grey skies...green everywhere....

i get so lost in moments.
i feel lost often.

like, what am i doing here?
where else would i rather be?

i'm sure i let my emotions get the best of me far too often.

i do like lexington...
i'm not sure i love my job, but i do love the hours.
i've been enjoying all the free time i have to read write draw cook create etc.

just wish there was a map to figure all this stuff out.

today, i went to a yoga class, to harvest some greens from my garden so i could have a salad at work tonight, did some laundry, and came home to cook a dinner of vegetables, curry&spices, and canned salmon...mmm....

there's something very good about this.

nap...then...work.

new...

i'm not very good at this.

this meeting new friends.

this socializing.

especially when they're not interested enough to ask me something ...anything.

i enjoyed the show. definitely.

i tried to "involve them" in my thoughts of it.
tried to see their own.

it's weird..because..i love people. i love meeting NEW people.
i just look like some friendless, antisocial fool, which i am not.
not.at.all

what did i do wrong?


just to clear you up:
my best friend/roommate left me for texas so i'm trying to broaden my friendship bubble. ...it's been rather difficult, but i am rather impatient. this new guy from the church i go to 'invited' me to this benefit thing. i go. hang out. spot them mid-evening. meet them. spend the rest of the night enjoying/critiquing the show and occasionally trying to make conversation. granted, loud music is never an efficient assistant to the conversationalist, however.. ......i just think you can work your way around such obstacles to make friends/help someone feel welcome.....but.who am i? and what the fuck do i know.
so...at the end of the evening when he tells me 'they' are going to eat....and perhaps he'll see me at church tomorrow...without further adieu...i, first, make a failed attempt to say my 'goodbye's and 'nice meeting you's...and then...leave.

so..here i am....mascara streaked and hungry.

ready for bed.

maybe tomorrow.

letter to a friend

so heidi, dear. since you won't answer your phone i'm going to write you. i wish i remembered the day that people sent these things via post. i would have to wait some 2 weeks to months for your response. weren't those the days?

here are my thoughts.

i don't really care about my bachelor's. it would be lovely to study more and set up a practice of natural medicine as a nurse practitioner so i could assist people in healthier ways of healing, however, i'm not there right now. i'm not ready for that kind of responsibility/maturity. i'm happy making what i do and using it for what i have used it for (travel, donations, delicious food, and coffee). i like the idea of sticking around in lexington and building up a great community and becoming more involved...i'm just not as excited about that as i am other things. and while i feel saddened at the idea of separating myself from the friendships i have built...those precarious adventures we've discussed and i have in my head stir my heart and my imagination and... i'm ready to go after them. i want to continue on.

perhaps by signing on to continue this life of nomadism i'm equally signing my consent to be alone forever, but oh...i'd much rather live a short life of passionate adventure than a long life of knowing what's in store. i believe it is possible to have stability and consistency of heart and mind amidst instability and inconsistency of location and circumstance. i'd like to find out.

of course, of course, i'll think more of all of this. i did only talk to you last night and tell you of my plans to continue studying..... we'll see we'll see.

in the meantime: here are my sketched out plans.

my contract is up in september. i'll save as much money as possible til then.
i have two options.
either i take 2 weeks off from work and we travel the west coast, or i quit altogether, we do a month trip somewhere like Chile, and then upon return we travel nurse until february, preferably Oregon or Cali. i'll be applying to the February term of London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine's Tropical Nursing Diploma Program this week. No matter what, I believe I'm going to go do that at least.
And, Alaska next summer. :)

Also, in December is a family reunion on Oregon. I'd like to attend.

Questions:
*Do you think the economy will be sucky still this fall? If so, Cali may be a better travel nursing option than Oregon.

If you have any ideas/advice, let me know. I'm completely willing to work with you on this.


P.S.
Doesn't this sound so much more exciting than studying for a degree i'm not sure i care about in a place i love but am not entirely eager to remain in?
I think so.


[i feel like i'm reading an excerpt of a modern "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac....except it's my life, and i'm writing it]

dear world...

perhaps i should be happy with having a consistent life. i do love my apartment. with my lopsided hardwood floors and pretty curtain in the bedroom/living room. i love my red sheets on my queen loft bed. i love my photographs and colorful lamps...and even the kitchen, with it's fancy countertop, unleveled refrigerator and studio lighting. i really enjoy riding my teal nashiki bicycle to my amateur garden. i enjoy going to the coffee shops or parks to read and sip the goodness (even if the baristas look at my funny when i order extra shots of caffeine and caramel). i love living on my own, washing my own dishes...those antique carnival glasses i got from the peddler's mall...and the brown tinted glass dish-ware i guiltily purchased from evil wal*mart. waking up to some angus&julia stone early in the morning and sitting in my green cushy love seat next to my brown book-filled shelves covered in blankets given to me by my family and confiscated from south african airlines. i really love all of this. those things.

i'm an hour and a half from my family...the best family. ...the best of friends are only a phone call away. i have a great job...i have very interesting people around me. some who would have more to do with my life if i let them in...some who i'd love to let them have more to do with my life...maybe...

who could do this their whole life? haha...lots of people. most people.

most people stay in one place... they do this. this consistent life.

perhaps i'm absurd for wanting to move. to travel. to explore. is that what i want?
i feel....sad...thinking my nomadism could separate me from the friendships i've formed. people can't rely on someone so inconsistent, can they?

i've been thinking of studying more...getting into an RN-BSN program. ....not exactly at the top of my list, but i figured now was the time...i have perfect opportunity to study more....it would really encourage a stable life...at least for a year anyways.

why not?
i'm just not sure it's exactly what's right for me. it makes sense, but....

...i suppose the things right now on my heart...the things i think about often...are:
1. Oregon...oh, oregon....
2. London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine: Tropical Nursing Diploma Program...i've always wanted to study abroad.
3. learning medical spanish in South America.
4. Primitive Camping... would love a long trip.
5. Cycling...longer distances than around town

I think those are some of my main interests....4 and 5 can be involved in any of those first 3 really...

how can i make this happen?
my contract is up sept 15th. ...save money until then.
i could take a month off to go to volunteer in Chile or some other place of need...(or not)
I could come back and do travel nursing in Oregon or Cali until February of 2011...then go to London for 4 months to study abroad.

this sounds so much more exciting than studying for a degree i'm not sure i care about in a place i love but am not entirely eager to remain in.

the big catch:
probably an ironic, silly one:
probably He's laughing at me....but...
would GOD rather have me stay here to learn something about consistency, stability, LIFE.....?
or would HE support me to run wild, chase ideas down, and live precariously...?

hmmm....

hahaha...hopeless.

work

i work two days a week.
i'm enjoying it.
i stay up all day saturday, go into work til sunday morning. sleep til sunday evening. get up and spend a few hours doing odd things and then go into work until monday morning. where i'll sleep for a bit and start my week.

it's a relief getting off on monday morning. it's a relief knowing on sunday morning that i've got half of my "work week" finished. i don't want to pick up extra days.

why?

i don't think i'm lazy. i think the work is heavy...the emotional weight alone is enough to crush me... i think i'm a wussy. my patients have to face their suffering everyday and i get to walk away from it. i don't have to face it but twice a week.

last night was intense. i walked in and already one antibiotic was an hour and half late and another was due on a lady who needed a new IV because the nurse before "just didn't have time for it" (quoted the patient...and who knows how true it is). then some people were working with the medication administration between 8 and 9 which is the main time for passing out bedtime meds, so that was awesome.

already the tension was high.
and it didn't really stop.

at ten three of my patients had attractably abnormal vital sign results. i had medications due that were late. those two things alone are enough to keep you haggard.

i kind of like it. i like staying up on my toes. keeping busy. saving people. but i only like it if i do the job well. if i can do everything i need to do. last night i feel fairly comfortable that i was able to keep my priorities straight. who knows how much i missed.....

i hope i missed nothing...i always hope i missed nothing...

big day.

today....
woke up at around 830....am.
planned a bike route.
rode to my garden.
watered my garden.
rode my bike via bike-route-out-of-my-ass (a.k.a. not according to plan)
stopped in fancy neighborhood to photograph the flowering trees.
stopped at sign saying "book store open to public" at an opening in an ugly warehouse building.
didn't have cash, so continued biking.
returned to my garden.
took photos of my new sprouts towering ~0.5cm above the earth's surface.
rode home.
cooked lunch for david and i.
went to babysit miracle and felix for the brown's.
changed more diapers in two hours than i have collectively in six years.
rode home.
surfed the internet/caught up with some friends/etc.
went to the coffee shop.
read more of "Anna Karenina"
spoke with ex-coffee house crush.
rode home.
watched two romantic comedies.
the end.


it's kind of weird how so many of the things going on in my life point back to relationships. Leo Tolstoy's book...marriage, attempt of marriage, fucking marriage up.... last night david brought up relationships and wanted my input about them... well, of course watching two romantic comedies gets you thinking about relationships as well...

suffering.

my patients...some of them might get better, but not real better.

theirs is a rough, devastatingly painful road to an unpreventable, looming end.

i'm not going to lie, sometimes i just wish they had a better attitude about it.
some people do...some people are obviously suffering and can still conjure a smile and thank you for your care. i appreciate those people. as far as the others go...i don't think i've completely understood how i feel. i feel something strong inside me. a jump inside of me that aches. i ache for them. i can't imagine their emotions.

what's that like?
what kind of emotions would you have facing your end?
knowing there's no bright, possibility-filled future ahead of you? only more suffering until your end....
or if your only option of enjoying your future was having the presentation of your 'conditions' stifled by medications and treatments...living while you knew your body was dying...and not just that, but so close to death.

of course, we all are dying. even those just born.... but it's not as close for some of us. not as painful. not as sufferable. not as evident in our futures. some of us can put those things away and live as tho we have forever.

some of us have futures and still take on these thoughts of death. living like we're already dead. suffering inside a cave, alone.

oh, soul...see the good.

awkward

yesterday i went to try on some bridesmaid dresses in prep for a good friend's wedding this summer. tangerine. choice between halter, boat neck, and strapless. all on my own, i took them into the dressing rooms. a big square with no mirrors, so you have to come out of the corner and show yourself to everyone. excellent.
while i was there an old man and his...wife?...were also making use of the mirrors and rooms. she was trying what seemed most likely to be mother of the bride dresses. so the old man sat outside her room and had the opp to view us both as we came out to consider ourselves. i didn't actually know he had noticed me because neither seemed very eager to discuss anything. strapless. boat. halter. as i questioned the last dress in the mirror, the old man looked around and whispered "the first one" and then jerked his head away as tho the voice came from someone else. i smiled and said, "you think so?" and he nodded assuringly, but sideways, with his eyes turned away from me.
so i tried the strapless on again just to be sure. i glanced at him in case he had an approving look to offer. none. it was as tho i wasn't there. but sure enough he was right. it was more flattering.
and as i gathered my dresses together and left the area, i called to them, "goodbye!" ...and they both glanced at me strangely offering no response.
hilarious.
was he trying to hide noticing me?
is that just their character?
were they embarrassed at being there?
did i look like a freak or smell strongly of alcohol?
i just wonder sometimes.

sun

i woke up at 10 today. sunshine already wide awake enjoying the breeze.
rode my bike to the gardens to see my small plot after what has been nearly two weeks now since the first day i "prepped" it for sowing. there are two random plants of spinach and kale that survived the winter and one onion that i wonder about. i allowed them to exist yet another day because i'm actually unsure how their leaves/root will taste after such a long battle.
i planted a row of kale, spinach, carrots, and calendula this morning. i had thought the sun would be shining down on me but at 11 in the morning the sun isn't at the necessary height to stand over the tall trees just at the edge of the park. the temperature was perfectly comfortable as i "labored" in the shade. it didn't take long to poke enough holes to nearly fill my 6x6 plot with seeds. then i walked my bike and belongings over to one of the trees and sat at its base with my legs in the sun as i began reading leo tolstoy's "Anna Karenina."

A few visitors came through the garden as I read. One black man and his two giant dogs came around. One fellow gardner. Then the two mainly responsible for the garden itself came by as well...busy with their intent to receive a new load of mulch. Nine chapters later I gathered my things to go...nature was calling.

I returned home to extend a few calls to mother and friends.. then rode my bike leisurely down the street and back until it was time to meet Amanda for coffee. we discussed the perils of work and life while also considering our fortunes and the promising summer adventures that await us. opportunities abound. really.
A man sat beside us as we were just gathering our things to leave. he began speaking to us, something about rapping and tips, as he set a plastic cup at his feet. he asked us for a topic and promised us a poem. why not. and so we stood for a moment longer than we wanted to listening to his vulnerability, tipped him a couple bucks, thanked him, and went our ways.

and now i sit finishing my bowl of vanilla yogurt, spinach, and blueberries...mentally preparing for my journey to morehead to visit my sara, where b-dubs and beer await us.

prison

tonight i stood in a patient's room a little longer than i suppose i usually would. i had some moments. i was just making rounds to make sure things were going okay. i told him happy easter and he was surprised that easter it was. he asked me if i had kids. i said no. i asked him if he did. he said no. then he lied and i stood in silence for a bit. i looked around. the room got kind of bigger. quieter. emptier. the tv was on, but from where his head was on the other side of his mound of a belly he probably couldn't see it at a great angle. the sound wasn't up much anyways and it seemed like it was on an infomercial. here he was just lying there. unable to move to scratch his nose, much less wander about the small room. i wonder how it would be to lie and stare at the ceiling or walls for hours with no one around consistently but techs and nurses in and out throughout the night. how isolated that must feel. how separate he must seem. it would be so easy to be come detached from the spaces around you.

i stood with him offering what presence i could muster. hoping he felt my attempt to 'be' with him for a moment.

and then so and so called out for pain medication and i knew whowho had a med due half an hour ago, so i squeezed his hand and left him to fend for himself in the prison of illness alone.

free form

that old world don't seem so far
i look outside all askew
cuz this new world has all blown up all brightly
this new world is so new
i've lost you my friend
i've lost you my friend

i've changed my ways
and nobody knows it
i've turned my back to what's old
i've changed my ways
yeah nobody knows it
yet my chest keeps getting cold

i lose my eyes
with all the lies
so i've turned my ways
against the grains
and i put on a happy face
and i put on a happy face
this old brew
brings something new
and i pull away from you
and i moved away from you

i've changed my ways
and nobody knows it
i've turned my back to what's old
i've changed my ways
yeah nobody knows it
but my chest keeps getting cold

maybe this summer soon
i'll find something new
but now....i won't remember you
and i...can't remember you
perhaps this season
i'll find some reason
and i won't remember you
yeah i won't remember you
stars light up my skies now
and i don't remember why
oh why
i fell so deep for you
why i
fell so deeply for you

i've changed my ways
and nobody knows it
i've turned my back to what's old
i've changed my ways
yeah nobody knows it
somehow my chest keeps getting cold

etch

your little lines
they stretch out wide
they come into view
from the side
and
comfort me
intwine me
get thru my window
inside me
and
rains shine down
rains shine down
drop your crumbs on me
it's hard to see
through the trees
of shame and responsibility
but
i must see
so
dreams get lost in the snow
dig around
dig around
uncover your prize
drop the lies
compromise
and
let me see



i chased you down and she took you from me
stole you right out from under my sleeve
moving out to sunshine and sea
fir trees and mountains, the flesh of me
oh dream big keep dreaming on
tho the world holds you and shoves you along
stand straight stand tall don't fear it all
it can't hold you down, anyway not long
not long

today

got some curtains for my window
block out the bright of day
keep eyes from seeing inward
when night reveals the sway
a show of lack of fatherhood
and all that talk of space
time went gone just yesterday
careful what you miss in your haste
dress of mine i wore was green
eyes got greener with the day
food in my fridge goes bad
and i ate out today
coffee house crush walked right on by
without too much to say
even sara sits waiting
waiting to be played

st. patrick's day.

today i had class again. blast these early morning, late evening 8 hour days. i'm not sure how people do it every week, 48-51 weeks out of the year.
there's a woman from sierra leone in some of my classes. she's going to work on the same floor as me as a tech. i convinced her to eat lunch with me. how dark her eyes were, how her lip quivered sometimes when she was talking, how she held her arms up and vigorously pounded them twice in the air as she said the world 'strong'....with a rolling 'r' and powerful voice....made me miss hellen, my dear friend in cameroon. i wish i knew how to make her life more comfortable. i miss her.
there's another woman in my class who i made friends with the first day. she's older too. she told me about her romantic getaway she's planning to las vegas with her woman. we eat together at most of the meals in these group class things. she showed me their picture. she saw me later at kroger and yelled out my name and waved. it's always nice seeing a familiar face when you're feeling lonely and can't find anyone to go out and have a green beer with you on st. patrick's day.

as i came home i tried my damnedest to find some friends to hang out and celebrate the day of my favorite color, the day that brings out my eyes....er...just join me for a green beer or two. no luck. so instead i played my guitar and realized it wasn't such a bad way to spend the holiday. i ran some 2 miles and when i got home i turned on some irish rock music and i made a batch of beer bread and put it in the oven while i cleaned up real fresh with a hot shower and a shave. i put on a green dress and used an eye lash curler. all in time to pull out the bread and butter it to have a slice while it was hot. i felt irish a little bit. i poured myself a beer in my finest wine glass. i made an attempt to bring my closest neighbor some bread, but he wasn't home. so i headed up the steps all barefoot with my hair still wet, plate in hand with some barely steaming, buttery bread.

so i just got back from the upstairs apartment talking with gail and john about their rat visitors, their children in florida living with gail's sister, their new cat, and all the stuff they find in trash cans sometimes. john says he'll look for a kitchen table or a bicycle for me. they also offered me some internet service and refused any payment. gail just talks and talks and john just smiles and agrees innocently with big warm eyes. i wondered how i was ever afraid of him that first day i saw him coming suspiciously from across the street right behind me. we live in the same building...and he didn't say hello because he's shy. i like them. tonight when i was leaving, gail thought the cat had escaped out the window and i could tell she really got nervous. then john got up and started looking everywhere too. then the cat came out from behind the entertainment cupboard. guess they've already fallen in love with it. i like them. just pure people.

and here i am. with the remnants of my first beer in my wine glass.
a day of work behind me. one ahead.
and i guess some sort of friends upstairs.
thankful i didn't have to spend st. patrick's day alone.

some how we all need eachother.