independence

had a long talk with my brother tonight... the brother i haven't really talked to in quite a while... i do love him... we used to be really really close about a year ago and then some things happened..he went off to college and got a "life of his own" and little by little we separated...it sure didn't help when he got a girlfriend...then went through some really rough times to where he pulled away from everyone, including me, even more than before... ...it wouldn't matter so much except that he a lot of times seemed like my only "connection"... most people have families they can always run to...or that best friend...or that boyfriend or girlfriend...just somebody... well, we've never really had anybody but eachother it seems. don't get me wrong, i've been raised in a good home with parents who provide everything we need... but matt was the only one who really understood...who i could talk to and he would listen and understand at least somewhat.. and well, losing him... i lost a lot of faith in people. i trust people pretty easy... but my confidence is that they're not going to be around for long so i might as well pour out as much of myself as i can before they leave... i missed my brother... earlier tonight i was thinking about him... about all the ways i wanted to yell at him for basically leaving me to the wind... forgetting me altogether it seems. i don't need him...i can definitely survive on my own. i don't need his attention, his love, or anything from him.. but i want it. i didn't understand how i could love him this much and him not pay any heed to it... i don't know... but anyway...he ended up calling me and wanted to watch a movie..and even tho i was in bed and about to go to sleep i said i was up for it... and after the movie we talked... about our real dad...our mom...our family...our relationships around us and the way we deal with people... i ache for solidity, foundation, a resting post... i realize christ is just that... but there's never been anything tangible... people/relationships have always come and gone through my life... i'm Used to it...it's nothing to be sorry for me about or anything... that's just the way things are. nothing ever lasts... but i hear about these families that are so close...the kid can run into the parents room and crawl between the covers... or talk to their mom about something and ask their dad for anything... they talk on the phone every week or more... they have their own room at their house and their mom is always wondering what's going on in their lives... i realize most families have varying extremes of these things... but i've none... it doesn't bother matt...it usually doesn't bother me, i like the thought of at a moment's notice being able to pack up and leave without a second glance... if i do ever glance back it's only to wish there was something there to miss... but it's always been easy to say goodbye... to allow things to change... to move on... what i would give for "strings" attached... someone that just couldn't do without me... someone i just couldn't do without... should it be possible or is this really how it's supposed to be? ....you see, i don't know... a part of me aches for consistancy, but there's another part of me that cannot stand to see the same person every day...i hate the feeling of bein tied down... bound... i guess it just depends on all the details..
i suppose it's a good thing that i have had this lesson to learn...not many people know what it is to truly rely on Christ and not rely on others...and i'm sure others have it even harder than i... i should probably be thankful that i'm so independent and "strong".... there are times i love it...and there are times i hate it... i don't want to be independent...i don't want to be strong...
i don't know if my brother's going to call again... but it's okay... when he does i'll be waiting as usual....until then i'll preoccupy my time with whatever seems important....

snow

we all know what sorts of thoughts you have when thinking about the christmas season: cuddling up next to a warm fire in the midst of a cold snowy evening drinking hot cocoa while christmas carols hum softly over the radio... christmas cards decorating the refrigerator... laughing with family over eggnog and pumpkin pie... secretly sneaking a peek at all the presents lieing under the tree and sometimes having the courage to reach out and shake one.... ooing and aahing over all the different set ups of christmas decorations in the society's yards... playing in the snow until your fingers are ice and your nose is crimson, then coming for some hot chocolate to thaw out... it's a romantic, dreamy holiday and although taking place in the dead of winter it's full and bright and amazingly warm... it's a holiday oozing with love, joy, and harmony... and that's without mention of the reason of the season: Christ. we all know christmas was created to celebrate His miraculous birth. the birth that brought the opportunity for life and hope to all of us sinners... christmas...the mere word brings a smile to almost anyone's face...

so why am i dreading it somewhat? ...it's not that i'm full out dreading it... but a little.. i think so... why? ... here it's snowing a bloody blizzard...oh it's beautiful... i love the way the snow dips and swirls and makes circles in the air...i love the snow...

perhaps i'm so somber because i've forgotten the meaning of christmas... or maybe it hasn't to do with christmas at all...

the flakes are quite large..really some the size of a quarter i'll bet... the ones close to the window look like they're coming down ever so slowly, but the ones further away keep twisting...going up and sideways and down and back again...

i hope my car has enough antifreeze...

not less or great, just different

so i was just watching this movie... The Glass Menagerie... or something... anyways... it was good, but i never finished it. the man was going out at nights to get drunk and get away from the apartment because his mom was a big nag and such, but he talked to his mother apologizing for things he said and somehow their conversations led to him making a statment i could understand:
"mother, you know how you said your heart is full of things that would be impossible to explain? so it is with mine. my heart is full of things that would be impossible to explain. "

so it is with i...... here i am alone in my home with all the possibilities of sorting out my heart and mind and there i was wasting away at the front of a television.. no, i wouldn't have it.. there are better things to do... so i turned off the movie to discover maybe what it is within my heart at such a time as this... where can i organize? where i can i replace and reconfigure? but the words of the man made me wonder...

and i wondered, would there ever be someone that i could honestly relate to wholly as i am as an individual or would i always have to form and mold myself til i get along with another person completely? i wonder... so many people i've met but no one i've connected with thoroughly... completely...utterly... i'm not speaking in terms of man and woman here..this can be a same-sex relation.... i wonder if it's possible... to meet someone completely your match... am i rare? do i forget we are only human? and am i wrong in thinking it possible to meet someone you can connect with on unbinding terms?....

i believe it possible...i've found myself on desperate measures sometimes willing to settle for less just because i haven't found great.... not that the less is bad.. because the less by the world's standards is great, but the less by my standards is...well...less. not saying i deserve great, because i definitely do not... and not saying that the great is better than the less... because it's not.. it's just different... a different which i am willing to stake my life upon... a different which i am willing to wait for... and wait i shall..with all patience and diligence...allowing christ to form me and mold me into something deserving...

it's just that my person will not be satisified by the something different opposed to the somethig i look for... is it rare or am i blind? ....

hmm...i am happy where i'm at.... i will allow christ to form and mold myself for His sake... prepare me for His table...and grow strong in the relationship i have with Him... there really is nothing else that matters... even if i never find that someone that i can relate to and connect with indefinitely i will not feel cheated... for my relationship with Christ is full and rich... He will grant me what He knows is best and will withhold what He knows will hinder my success and my achievements for Him...


so...it is such a time as this...to pursue the Lord...and that i will...

p.s...i love movies where everyone talks in old english... the beautiful accent, the well-thought, poetic words and language...and, of course, the clean cut, ancient, romantic dress of times...for men and women...i love it all...

going home

it's the perfect winter day really... the sun is shining really bright and it's in the upper 40*s. just a chilly breeze blowing, but nothing bad.. and here i am... alone.

(note: for those of you that are about to go "awww..." : alone does not equal lonely.)

it's quiet, peaceful, empty while i pack my things away debating on which and what would be more useful to bring home. (is it really worth packing down 4 flights of stairs?) i'm the girl who packs duct tape, needles, and super glue (just in case)...maybe i'll get bored and need this, huh?

often i'll recall a past moment in the semester and laugh out loud to myself... occasionally (but not often) i'll wrinkle my nose and sigh and then try to forget it...

i wasn't as involved in college as i had liked to be.. yes, i hung out with people nearly every night.. i attended bsu faithfully and often went to fca as well and i did some disciple nows and revival teams... but i don't know...i'd like to do something that improves something around here... maybe sga...maybe i'll go for the play next year... i just want to be a part of a group i think...i don't know though..i'm pretty involved outside of college, buuutt... we'll see we'll see...

overall i guess this semester was a success... there were plenty of things i know i could have done better (homework, bible study, etc)... there were plenty of mistakes made as well (said the wrong things, chose the wrong way, etc...) i guess the only thing to do is spend time preparing for the next semester, be ready for it, and act on what i know... hmm.. we'll see we'll see...

it has been fun tho...flashbacks begin from hauling all my junk into a mini room...smaller than my room at home...and then i had to share with basically a stranger. i placed each piece thoughtfully while my brother stood by and watched...we chatted about different things... and then..there she was in a crazy chaos of strange people and boxes: my roommate. completely different than what i pictured really. kind of goofy and comfortable. from the start i wasn't so sure what kind of relationship we would end up having, but due to a wide ranging stream of events...somehow...shewt..who woulda thought we'd become so close? while hoping to make a friend i ended up finding a sister...

losing everything an anything the very first week of school... varying from my medical card, to my keys... somethings disappeared on more than one occasion only to reappear in strange, odd places (my pocket, my hand, etc.)... it has become a popular saying here on my side of the room: "sarah! did you take my (fill in the blank)" ...of course, i knew she never did and she knew i knew she never did...thus, came the reply, "what did you lose this time?"

visiting that dusty little chapel who's usual visitors consisted of spiders and, as a result, included a lovely decor of cobwebs strung about from pew to pew, wall to wall. i'll never forget the humbling beauty about the place... my heart racing even as i neared it... and the awe-filled presence about the place... clearing it out and making it somewhere where people would be comfortable coming to get away from the world...our own dear sanctuary where the world can be left at the steps with your shoes and christ can be found again or met more clearly at the foot of the cross...

finding my job at eagle express...(complete God-send) ... working with those people, getting to know those beautiful kids...

the faces of 4 girls at the movie theaters, popcorn in their hands, enjoying a movie... and the thank yous afterwards...

a random offer to join in a slip and slide event on a crazy freezing day... to think we nearly rejected the offer, but in a momentary decision fled to our rooms to prepare... piling into the back of a lovely yellow truck... little did i know my ultimate dreams were about to come true... covered in oil, racing to a mat, lightening sliding into a murky pool of mud and grass strands on the opposing side... half an hour later the mat was pulled from it's spikes and we proceeded to wrestle eachother into the filth.. oh, it was lovely. the finest moments of life. pulling a plug of mud and mire and mixing it with mirth as it flew from one hand to another's hair.

a midnight venture around the county somehow coming to rest at my home

some of the most entertaining, energetic, and challenging games of hide and go seek i've ever been a part of

a spur of the moment expidition to the amazing New York City...two cars...seven college students... and as little money as you can imagine... but minds soaring with adventure ...

there's more there's always more... but i definitely need to finish packing...

this break is pregnant with opportunity to refocus my heart and mind... even now ideas and options are clicking through my head... things that i want to do..books i want to read, tasks i want to accomplish... friends i want to call... i hope i take advantage of this time...perhaps i'll leave the tv off completely... hmm.. who knows... but hopefully i'll change this break and come back a better person... more driven, more focused, and more in love than ever...

will

i had to go speak with some girls this morning. some beautiful high school girls...i didn't get the chance to converse with them about how their spiritual lives were going, but i read a devotion and talked about how important it was to know what you believed and why... (something i really struggled with when pushed out into the 'real world')..
i definitely wasn't prepared for it considering my own spiritual state... but it went well...the knowledge and everything came from Him...i had nothing. but when i got back i was able to talk to sarah a little...it was good..she understood...we faced and recognized that something was wrong in both our lives, but we never really came to an agreement how things could be fixed. so i went to sleep...
and kim called... a fresh breeze in air so stale... i woke up and went to her and we talked only for a few moments...
"kim, i just don't know what has happened... about a month ago things were awesome..then someone spoke a Word over me...i made a serious commitment for Christ..and i sacrificed something... and now here i am...over a series of minor dramatic events i've lost sight of my Savior...my Life.."
"you can't let things continue as they are.. you have to get back.."
an exasperated sigh "yeah i don't know how"
"determination..."
at first i must admit my flesh says, "it's impossible..." "you can't do it..."
but i have to...i miss my Lord.. life just isn't worth living this way... no direction...no passion... no love..
so determination... this fragrance of hope has drifted through... i Will find my way again. i Will allow Him to use me...i WILL His will in my life... once again now... things are going to be okay...

stotrum stotrum stotrum for fresh breezes

the wall

what do you do when the theif is escaping with your valuables and your feet are cemented to the ground...?

i'm desperate...my Lord isn't to me who He once was. it doesn't seem like it anyway... we still have moments together i guess...but nothing as intimate..as passionate. where has it all gone?

i wrote in my paper journal on november 17th (nearly a month ago, but still a theme in my life):
"abba, i can't change my mindset.
i can't change my heart.
help me.
it seems my heart is of stone.
i can't feel anything
i'm full but empty
crowded but alone.
am i faithful?
am i obedient?
am i selfish?
am i following You?
you're not the author of confusion, but of peace and of hope...
is what i feel relevant or accurate? is it of you or myself or satan?
i choose you... but do i really? am i really choosing you by the way I love, by my words, by my actions... can other people see You in me?
abba, i don't know what needs to change in me...i dont know!

obedience, sacrifice, love... how? what more do you want? what more can i give?

don't you know I want my life to be Yours all over again?
don't you know i want to die to myself and live for You?
IT'S ALL I WANT..
all i've ever wanted!"

so what is this blockade of my being? the complications seem endless... i don't want to leave. where would i go?
Lord, i need you...

"what profit is there in my blood when I go down to the pit?"
-psalm 30:9

the gang

it all started cuz some random guy decided he wanted to have a slip and slide event in the middle of a cold october day(i think) ...and then afterwards everyone wanted to go to a movie... so there is a group of us who as a result of a random, chance, impulsive desire sometimes hang out.. er..every now and then we go have an all-nighter at FFH...or a midnight run to arby's...maybe a movie...or maybe all the way to e-town at 1 a.m. for some milkshakes... very sporatic...but always enjoyed... so sarah and i have been stuck in our room for the last 2 days basically...loafing around doing nothing... so i decided to stretch my artistic talents and attempt a caricature of my friends and i... her 'tis:


the gang

and her tis in color:


the gang in color

and her tis in real life:

the gang in real life

i knew her once... i'm convinced...
but now...she's not so familiar to me
her eyes aren't my eyes, they're empty...
her head swings low: dejected, defeated...
she's blown about by mere breezes
her mind swims and focus for her is impossible
she speaks dreams, but there's no pursuit for them
she believes in lies and ignores the truth...
so quick to conform...
so soon to let up....
knocked down by an ant's whisper
no life or passion...just existance
she's no relation to mine...
i don't know her...
i don't want her near me...
but still she clings...

green eyes

hmm... i really like this song..
i think they're singing about me...ahem...

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

That green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could, anybody, deny you

I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, now I?ve met you
And honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

Green eyes

Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know

That green eyes, you?re the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who, tried to deny you must be out of their mind

Cause I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, since I met you
Honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

Green eyes
Green eyes

Ohohohohooooo
Ohohohohooooo

Ohohohohooooo
Ohohohohooooo

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand

- coldplay

choose christ

hmm... joshua 24:14-15:

"Now therefore, fear the Lord, serve Him in the sincerity and in truth,
and put away the gods which your fathers served
on the other side of the River and in Egypt.
Serve the Lord! And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord,
choose for yourself this day whom you will serve,
whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River,
or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell.
but as for me and my house,
we will serve the Lord."

really what kind of a decision is this? when we take into consideration all aspects of both sides only the insane and ignorant would not choose Him... how can we keep from raising our hands and bowing our knees to Him only? ...really! what has this world to offer... ugh.. heartbreak, frustrations, deception, and pain... when looking at the opposing arguments there's no decision to be made... the obvious stands clear and strong....

so why do we struggle so much in throwing off the world and dressing up in the shining armor of the Lord...we are found knowing the truth, yet we continue to be led astray...our visions are continually blurred and distorted...for a breif moment you may have focus and then suddenly in pulsating instances you can't see what your eyes were so tightly fastened upon only a moment before...the fog rolls in and in order to focus on our goals we have to sometimes merely look beyond the blockades into the deepest parts of our hearts...and grip that thought as though our very lives depend on it... (which they do)

i bet if we caught a mere glimpse of the pure reality of God we'd take off with a passion and fervor that blew the pants off of everyone that we met... i can't imagine what i'd be if i completely and totally let God have His way with me...

ah, Lord! there's nothing that compares to Your goodness... forgive this ongoing struggle of a rollercoaster life... i ache inside to do something eternal with my life... help me grab hold of the ordinary things and raise them up as some of the finest riches to You...

one moment

not even a tick in the infinity of time... barely a speck in the vastness of the cosmos... who's to know what limits there are? no limits, but what kind of a dent would i be able to make in a world so....so enormous there's no words to describe that never-ending expanse of creation. so the world doesn't depend on me... supposedly a relief. but i stand in awe, speechless...my feelings unbeknownst to me... it's like someone took a close up photograph of a moment in campbellsville...a moment frozen in time... vivid flashbacks of india...a random slideshow of the activity of life all over the world... realizing we're like bacterium on a grain of sand lost in the ocean... standing silent as steam escapes through my lips, i wonder... can one put their finger on eternity? is it possible to fathom the idea of forever?
a night like this has surely been replicated through time...i'm sure at one point there was someonel similar to me, who walked a path similar to this, and contemplated life in a way similar to the way i am now...and i'm sure after me there'll be another someone to do the same... i hope somewhere someone else is currently having similar contemplations...appreciating God's creation by admiring it's simplicity, while wondering at the intricacy of it all...
no, i don't understand the depth of creation... you don't have to see a shooting star in order to be amazed by the wonder of the sky... the mountains don't have to shout in order for you to be humbled by their greatness... sitting silent in a swing on a chilly day, bathing in the warmth of the son... words are inadequate, useless... creation calls me to sit and linger for a time... quiet whispers of assurance... visions of life sweep across my mind's eye... all thoughts vanish and i'm left to consume the simple beauty of the sun... the blueness of the skies...the leaves dancing with the breeze to nature's own song ... temptation to dose on account of the rhythmic melody of motion to and fro... to and fro... i'll have to awake from this subconscious slumber at some point... but what's one more moment in the span of eternity?

instead of writing my paper

so i should be writing a paper analyzing the differences between christians and non-christians... it's something i should have been doing all night, yet still i continue to deny it's calling and fill my life with things that are seemingly more important. Perhaps in truth their importance has been merely momentarily and that time could have been better spent, however, i haven't regretted anything yet... except maybe wasting away at the computer... hmm... but BESIDES that... no, i wouldn't take anything back...
..for instance, a run to arby's when it's already after midnight... i'm entitled to watch and listen as a conversation unfolds between the rest of my group. so i didn't understand a word that they were saying and hadn't watched a movie they were talking about, but listening to them laugh... who would trade that for writing a paper?
...and on to wal*mart where adventerous roaming led to an announcement that echoed throughout the store: "chshekk...security cameras for toys...chsheekkk" ...same message only disguised in management lingo... like we didn't know it was about us... so we meandered away from toys, played a round of foozeball, and attempted a game of hide-n-go seek.. unfortunately...
NOTE: when rules of a game are changed on account of a new location... be sure to enlighten all players... especially newbies...to ensure fair and equal involvement...
so..more quality time...who would trade that for typing a paper?
and today...i slept in...ran a mile and proceeded to cleanse myself, dress myself, and braid my hair...
instead of writing my paper?
instead of writing my paper.
of course..braiding my hair made me a little late for class (35 minutes)...and as i approached the door i realized we had a guest speaker and, being so polite, i decided it would be best if i didn't enter... but instead of going back to the dorms to maybe type my paper...i looked out the window for a bit... it was really a beautiful day out... i thought about calling my roommate to go swing in the park... but i sat there... it became one of those days, not lazy, but daydreamy... i could have sat there forever probably... staring out into the sunshiny day... i actually was wanting to go play, but no playmate at the time to join me... of course, i'm not afraid to go play by myself... but i was definitely in the mood for a friend...but just as i was about to head out... a janitor lady asked me if i was having a good day... (i'm curious as to what expression on my face led her to wonder) so i talked to her a bit... she goes to church close to my home... and has been working here since march....wishes college students picked up after themselves a little better, but loves them anyway... then some friends came around the corners and i think they scared the janitor lady...so we said our farewells "it was nice meeting you"..and away she went... i jumped head first into socialization (if it's a word)... however, it seems that the longer i spend in solitude the harder it is to stay focused when i first come out of it... or maybe there were just too many people in there at a time... who knows... then my class let out and there were more people...always a joy.....so i mingled...and mingled...until 3:30 rolls around and finally i escaped only to go to um..the place above the lunchroom...laugh if you will, but i walked in merely looking for more people to talk to...so i talked to them... and then as i was leaving i found that a friend was leaving at the same time as i...so i decided to walk with her...all the way to big b...and back by myself...and i stopped again just as i reached campus to chat it up with another friend... and finally i escaped again... into the stillness of my room... i cuddled up with my roommate as she read a book...
instead of writing my paper?
instead of writing my paper.
we went to dinner at the usual time.. 5:40.... more people...back to the room... off to a concert...not so many people... but let's just say i was reminded of the joy that comes from the christmas season... carols like silver bells soak the air and each note hydrates the soul...ugh...i love it... i could close my eyes and see the stillness of the crisp, clear night... a cloud rises with each breath...and snow flakes falling ever so gently as the tune just hovers in the silence... made me want to go for a walk... so i did...
instead of writing my paper?
instead of writing my paper.
i walked and sang and sang and walked and enjoyed the chill of winter bundled in my oversized winter coat, scratchy striped scarf, and warm soft gloves... i was actually quite cozy believe it or not... it's not exactly my favorite thing to do...walk circles around campus...i'd much rather walk down streets or through the park or something of the sorts, however...hmm... probably wouldn't be the wisest of all decisions... oh well...i enjoy my campus mile walks well enough... ...well enough to participate in them instead of writing a paper... ha...
and now here i am...writing about all the things that keep me from writing my paper... ironic? hmm... perhaps just a result of what happens when a writer isn't confident in their material.... procrastination...slacking off... call it what you will... but i've enjoyed spending my time elsewhere than at a computer desk typing a formal, stiff necked paper...
i'd much rather babble on about what i've done in a day....so i did...
instead of writing my paper?
instead of writing my paper.

life is good

in the last blog i mentioned a morning hug from God... well, i just casually mentioned it in my blog and like a minute afterwards i was talking to a friend online and in conclusion to our conversation we were talking about how sweet and good God has been to us and she said, "but His hugs are the best"... and i was like, "Hey!!!" ... how random is it that two people associate God's love with hugs? most people don't think of it that way...err...i don't think they do?.... well anyways...we made the pact to focus on hugs from God today... just to let Him envelope us in His arms... it's been an awesome thing... you should try it :)
but instead of focusing on doing things to please Him... instead of worrying about this or that... i've just Lived... went through the day appreciating the sunshine and the breeze... the company of friends... i love my work and the kids that i work with...even when they're crazy and won't quit...ugh i love them... and i got to make hot cocoa at work...hot cocoa with chocolate spoons... (heaven)... and then sarah and i ate in the cafe and we went to church and i got to chill with 7th and 8th graders....i think God's going to do some awesome stuff in there... today i was able to talk a little bit about what my purity ring stands for...don't i love to provide their precious minds with an alternative way to live...and an alternative motive to live for.... it's going to be interesting....i pray God uses me there... after church i wanted to go to fca but i also wanted to go bowling in hopes to meet some new people and different faces... well i chose bowling, but new people? not so much... i wasn't quite as out going as i'd liked to be... i was caught in the middle of two groups of people on opposing sides of the bowling alley... it's not very fun when you want to spend time with two separate groups... if they'd had two lanes next to eachother it would have been a lot easier but i found myself torn... so i bowled a game at each lane... and ended up leaving with a person other than the one i came with... i don't like being torn... hmm... well neway...kim and i went to wal*mart and after searching through all of wal*mart and picking up several different items only to leave them randomly in different places throughout the store...i finally found something sarah would like that was under 2 dollars... MUFFINS... and i had the chance to bring those home to her :)
now i'm going to bed...so i can get up early and start a new day off right...
ugh...i can't even explain the contentment you can have in Christ... just the joy of sitting back, closing your eyes, and being completely satisfied...full...not of food...not of wine...or anything this world has to offer... full of something much greater...much sweeter... the knowledge of Christ... the knowledge of the Cross... and the knowledge of the freedom found in it all...

new day

i've missed it somewhere... i've let the passion and focus slip through my fingers somehow... i've realized lately that when i wake up in the morning, sure the first thing on my mind is christ, but it's not the same joyous moment that it was a while back... it used to be like christmas every morning.. i'd get to wake up and He was there waiting and i'd hop into His arms for my morning hug, He'd grab my hand and take me for the ride of my life..sometimes He'd even let me lead a little, directing me quietly from behind...ugh... how do i forget so easily the goodness of the Lord? why do i let myself get caught up in the whirlwinds of the world, forgetting the peace and joy found only in Christ? it's not like these temporal matters have any importance when looking at the span of eternity... it's so easy so easy... to be distracted...

i think this is where it starts... first i come to the descision that everything here is temporal...and i do well with it.. but somehow i get frustrated because i can't see what eternal effects i'm making in simply walking to class... and then i try too hard to be different or something... and i end up getting distracted by the world....then i end up blending in even more than before...

well...no more frustrations...it's a new day... a bright, sunshiny day... i want the freshness of God... the unconfusing simple ways of Christ... i just love Him..that's it...i just want Him..that's it... and i hope to live a simple melody for Him today... no theological issues are going to burden my mind... no worries if i screw up... no burdens except the burdens Christ would have me carry... my eyes are on Him...my heart in His hands...

You and You alone... my heart is Yours...

english poetry

this first one wasn't what i had in mind when i first started writing but i kinda liked out how it turned out:

that’s My girl

according to the world
I’ve got a few too many curves
my eyes are a little too small
my face a little too round
my clothes were out of style
last fall
my laugh is a little too loud
my voice a little too deep
I don’t drive the perfect car
or have money in a heap

no, I can’t fit into a size three
but at least you can hold onto me
and you watch as my squinty eyes
open each time with a new colored surprise
my chipmunk cheeks hold
the corners of an honest smile
and fashion is just something so ugly
they have to change it every six months
so who cares about style?
I can sing the low notes
to a many hymns and songs
laughter reaches across the room
leading the way for someone who longs
to let it out?
or scream and shout?
and at least my car moves me
from here to there
with warm heat and cool air
money is great and all
but I’m doing just fine
buying what I need
sometimes what I want
like egg nog
so who cares what the world thinks?
God looks down and winks
“that’s My girl”

this next one is a lil corny cuz i wrote it in uh....a very short time:

not a clue

i don't have a clue
what i need to do with my life
not eve what i want
not even what You want
i just don't have a clue
i could be a bum
a student or teacher
a camp leader or a missionary
the wife of a preacher
i could design clothing
or perhaps write a book
illustrate for children
probably won't cook
i could sleep all my life
and eat when i want
but i'd run out of money
end up in a dump
i could smuggle bibles
into faraway lands
i could be a lead singer
in one of the local bands
shewt, i could design jewelry
or make furniture out of wood
yeah right, i wish i could
hey i could have children
and lead in foster care
but is my heart really there?
so you see...
i don't have a clue
of what i need to do
what am i made for?
what should i pursue?
so i'll lay all aside
and just pursue You

scaredy cat undone?

alone, but not lonely... an empty house, but it's still so warm... it's cold and dark outside, but still crisp, frosted, and bright...there could be something bad outside, but i can't help but be in awe at a night so beautiful with a full moon glowing overhead.. and glitter sprinkled across the sky...

so i used to be scared to death of the dark, not the dark itself...just of what might be lurking around the outskirts of the light awaiting the moment to leap out and...who knows... about a year ago i remember having to call my brother to come home from town (15 minutes away) because i couldn't even get out of my car...so scared i was crying and shaking like a little kid lost in a department store... sad, but so true...

i used to have bad dreams all the time about coyotes or wolves coming out of the woods out behind our house and racing across the feild towards me...i usually was outside in the dark, of course, and the key wouldn't fit the lock until the last minute when i'd fall in the door... sometimes i would be able to get it shut back, but sometimes they forced it open and i'd run to the basement or somewhere...

it didn't help any when i'd hear stories about men breaking into houses and killing the families...or those psychos that lurk around and kidnap people or rape the women and stuff like that... watching cops late at night and world's most wanted crinimals probably wasn't the best thing either...even if it was with my parents...

i remember going to every corner of the house with the lights on searching it out...and then turning all the lights off (so they wouldn't know i was home..so they wouldn't try to come in and kill me...hopefully they'd just come in and steal everything and not realize there's a little girl upstairs...)....and hiding in the furthest corner of my room with a weak flashlight, a phone, and a butcher knife... i'd call random friends...usually my best ones (they'd be more likely to understand rather than a complete stranger)...and get spooked by the slightest creak of the house... yes, i'd cry, my heart would race...

sometimes i would have the audacity to want to watch tv... but that was rare...because anyone standing at the front door could see me and i wouldn't be able to see them...and with all the noise the tv makes i wouldn't be able to hear the killer breaking the lock or sneaking down the stairs...(which made listening to music out of the question as well) but if i did decide to take that risk i would hang anything and everything over all the windows so that they wouldn't be able to see me...however, perhaps it was just me not wanting to see them... i hate being afraid...i hate it i hate it...

my brother and cousins used to jump out from the dark and scare me... one time i got so fed up with it i quit playing with them for a night (that's a big thing when you're only 8 or 9) ... and one time we went down to the woods on a cold wintry night and built a fire... but we heard something in the woods so i climbed a tree with my cousin... and the next morning we went down there and there was a paw print the size of my whole hand on the frozen lake... creepy? yeah...

dude, i was a scaredy cat times fifty... plausible? is there any reason behind all this? shewt heck...i don't have a clue...all i knew is when dusk started hitting and i found myself home alone... i would rather die than put up with the fear that becan creeping into my mind... every noise was the sound of death climbing the steps... thank goodness for Bob who raised his ears to every sound and whimpered into the dark at unconsistent times... so brave, so trustworthy (please sense the sarcasm)

there's good news to all of this sadness... last night i found myself alone at home...yes, darkness crowded all around...a perfect night to be afraid of everything...i was standing in the middle of the kitchen at one point and a flash went off...at first i thought it was a camera flash and i foreal jumped outta my skin and ran, but then i just realized it was lightening...did i cower in my room? no, i went back to what i was doing before...later i went into the store (connected to our house) to look for something and the freaking garage door just started opening all by itself...yeah, i most definitely shot into the house and locked the inbetween door behind me...took a second to pull myself together and calm my nerves, but instead of running to my room, locking the door, and hiding there the rest of the night, i OPENED the middle door, went into the garage, shut the door down and continued my business in the store...crap a monkey.. i'm amazing!

and get this...i'm at home right now... it's dark outside...i'm sitting in the living room with the lights on next to a window that's wide open.. there are some lights on... earlier this night i saw a guy walking away from the house down the driver...i didn't panic...i thought sensibly "oh, he's probably a hunter"...when i had to leave the house i called for my dog outside, but he never came like he usually does, so i had to make the trek from the back door to my car all by myself! ... i was gone for several house...and when i came back i found that i had left the door a little ajar...*oops*.. at any other time i would have lept back into my car and sped away, but what did i do? i walked into the house! i got on my computer! and here i am! i didn't even go around to all corners of the house to make sure nothing or no one came in...

yes, i'm a lil peed off that my brother didn't come home like he said he would after thanksgiving dinner at my grandparents...okay..i'm ticked but i'm not going to tell him...i guess he got a little sidetracked by his girlfriend... i did wait for him for a while... then decided to just go on ahead of him...i presumed that it was a lil silly that i couldn't go home alone...plus i figured he'd be along in a little while, especially since i mentioned that hunter guy to him...and said i really didn't want to spend the night alone tonight... i really didn't feel like having to be a little afraid... but i'm glad i didn't leave the gate open for him...that would have sucked... hmm... it's not so bad... i'm not afraid...i definitely could be if i let that side of my head take over...but seriously...there's nothing to be afraid of... or at least there's no reason to really really worry about it until you have proof....

besides that...even when there is proof...i hope i have enough faith in God that i cry out to Him for safety...He IS the creator and king of everything right? ... you'd think i'd trust Him, huh? ...

i wish i could have stayed in the dorms...this house is my least favorite place to be...especially at night... no, i'm not afraid... it's just so empty, boring, lifeless.... it sucks the life out of me every time i come... but it's HOME... i know it doesn't make sense to you.. doesn't make sense to me either...

thinking positive

thank You for:

• Your Son
  
• a roof over my head
• fresh clothes from the dryer
• interesting, refreshing, uplifting music
• art supplies
• blank pieces of paper
• the color green
• mascara
• unordinary socks
• sweet smelling roses
• the scent of vanilla lace
• innocent kisses
• being snuggled up against by a little kid
• warm breezes
• cool, clear, beautiful nights with stars blazing
• lotion and soft skin
• peace of mind
• pumpkin pie and egg nog
• good conversations
• friends i know i could always call if i needed to
• prayers from the heart
• hugs from a middle schooler
• the way You use me regardless of the fact that i'm unusable
• Your unconditional love..
• innocent, unexpected, undemanding compliments
• those good guys who see more than the outside
• those friends you can say anything to and they'll either understand or try to
• the sound my fingers make on the keys
• sweet sleep
• silence
  
• pure, unrestrained laughter
• loud, blaring music
• rushing water
• tall tall tall green trees
• overgrown, sunspotted forest floors
  
• warm, smooth beaches
• crisp, towering mountains
  
• ginormous, busy cities
  
• the ability to travel
• kleenex
  
• the ability to draw
• pretty dresses
• a clean room
• my brothers and sisters...
• my parents...
• all the many people that have made impacts in my life...some deeper than others, but all important to me...
• a deep, comfy bed with thick, warm blankets in a cool, dark room
• a drink of pure water
• a full tank of gas...thanks to my mom as well on that one
• the truth of the bible
• silver jewelry
• chocolate
• walks around campus
• fresh donuts
• hanging out with friends
• hide and go seek
• those moments when two people just "connect"
• pictures
• the chances to glance into another's mind
• Your faithfulness...even when i'm so unfaithful and faithless
• a toddler's laugh
• getting to spend a lil time with my bro tonight...even if it wasn't really one on one...
• new days and second chances...sometimes third, fourth, and an infinity amount it seems
• unexpected surprises
• there's a buttload more, but i have to go :P

so much to be thankful for...sometimes i just need to step back and look around... it helps too that i get excited by simple things quite often...

"Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, And into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name." -psalm 100:4

too much e.m.

how do you talk about this? i don't even know where to begin really...i just have to dump this out... right now i feel sick to my stomach... THIS IS MY BODY! don't let your hands linger... don't rub on my arm... just because we're friends don't assume the permission to cuddle against me...*sigh* some guys don't even think they're doing anything wrong...it's not that they are..they do everything innocently and have very little or no intentions at all...but man...what are your intentions?.. are they simply to be close to a girl? maybe they are done because you don't really know how else to show you care i guess, but guys have to take into consideration...girl's emotions are stirred up by touch... guys by sight... if you expect us to dress modestly and act as ladies... don't tempt us with long, lingering eye contact and gentle caresses...you can't just use us... guys can't just treat every girl like they would a girlfriend...or a wife... this is soooo weird, because it's like... i love hugs...i love attention... i love touching...i'm a stinking loving person!! but sometimes there's just too much of all of it...way stinking too much and it stirs up emotions and i'm telling you... there's a word for it... it's like...emotional molestation...the girls feel used and usually guys don't even realize it when they do it...and i don't know the solution to this problem...i just know people need to pay closer attentions to their intentions...it's not just the hug..it's HOW you hug and WHY you hug... take the other person into consideration as well...are the boundaries clearly drawn?

ugh..i just can't stand the feeling of people crossing over into boundaries nobody has welcomed them into... and i can't stand the feeling of being used or taken advantage of... and i hate that i can be accidentally, innocently tricked into thinking a guy may be interested when in all reality the guys's just a nice guy and you're just the next girl to come along with a supposed need or desire...but there's nothing really to do about it, but guard your own heart... place a lock over it and toss God the keys... i've done it before i can do it again...and again...and again... but it's not always my fault...

dudes..just as there's lots we can do to help protect your minds..there's lots you can do to help protect our hearts...

this is a confusing frustrating subject...

patience is a virtue

so I feel a little alone...a little empty... yes, this is theresa fagundes talking... the brave, the strong, the independent theresa who can stand alone against anything because she has the Lord on her side...the same theresa who claims that she is completely satisfied in the Lord...

I just want someone to understand my heart...someone to challenge me in my walk... someone to lead me in a life completely centered and surrounded and covered by the grace of God...
I just want someone to walk beside me amidst all the issues of life...someone to help open my eyes to revelations that I would never come to on my own... someone to discuss the things I’m learning...someone to meet up with after class...someone I can always run to..and they’re always just as happy to see me that time as they were the last time.. someone to lift up and admire and submit to...someone to hold...someone to walk for hours with... someone to help me pick the bread things out of my lucky charms...

no, I’m not at the desperate state of “sure I’ll take that...it’ll work”...I definitely want the full blessings of Christ...and I’m more than willing to wait... and I’ll wait with as much patience as I can muster... but I can’t help but wonder at times... is it in your plan for me Lord? I can’t help but believe it is...

“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” -psalm 27:13-14

alas, if he never comes... I will still praise you... if I never meet him... I will still serve you... if I never feel that tender touch...and be caressed by those lovely eyes... ah, Lord...no worries... You are more than enough..

“may your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. let your compassion come to me that I may live, for your law is my delight.” -psalm119:76-77

unity

lately God's been dealing with me about selfishness... at least that's what i think it is...i' d go to His thrown daily, but usually about me and rarely about my brothers and sisters... and when i did go before Him about my brothers and sisters it was never really in a broken compassionate spirit...i cared, but not enough to really cry out and suffer for them or anything... so last night the preacher at bsu talked about unity...honestly, i wasn't all that affected by it... but i did remember reading psalm 133 the other day which deals with unity.... and last night, amidst the sermon and the music, God brought me back to my bedroom in pastor thudian's house in India... it was hotter than i'll get out and, despite the fact that everything was going well the last few days, i had this weight on my chest and i couldn't figure out what it was...so i prayed... and prayed... and a friend came to mind who was supposedly doing ministry back in the States... so i lifted them up...and as i prayed for them the burden on my chest was lifted...i felt so relieved...so at peace...i can't explain the 180 change... so anyway...i realized the need for intercessory prayer in my life... or moreso of it anyway... and God opened my eyes to the judgemental, unforgiving, unloving spirit in my life... ugh... who am i? i'm nothing without Christ... i'm dirt.... how dare i ever look down...how dare i ever act in such a way ever ever ever again... God forgive me... may my heart break for others as You were broken... may my eyes be torn out and replaced with Your divine ones...so i can see what You see... may i love like You love... may i intercede with a broken heart and a contrite spirit... abba, may i take on the burdens of others in prayer... ...but not that i would love them for their sakes...but because You love them. You delight in them. they are your chosen ones and You desire them. You have a longing for their comfort, attention, their very souls...
amazingly, the moravian daily text that i recieved today led me to psalm 133 again... talking about how unity is so desirable... and in my utmost for his highest i read about having a condescending heart and that when we see weakness in people it is not meant for us to judge them, but to intercede for them... so while i obviously recognize Him stressing humility and intercession in my life, I also see where the unity ties in as well... how sweet it would be if God's children would break down and truly care about their fellow brethren. if we would stop judging people for their minute mistakes, lift them up to the Father in sincere prayers, and encourage them to a higher life. hmm...that'd bring unity

"christmas"

so i went home saturday night for the first time in a while... it was really late and no one was up when i got home so i snuck up the stairs to my old room, quietly changed into some pajamas, and slid ever so quietly in between my 6 year old brother and 3 year old sister... we used to sleep this way before i went off to college... i slipped my arms around my little sister and held her as close as i possibly could get her without making anyone uncomfortable. i missed this. sometimes during the night i would wake and find my brother cuddled up against me as well. my babies... gosh... at one point i was awakened by a cry for "mom"... and i naturally whispered "shhh" and amanda looked and saw it was me and quit crying, snuggled up against me, and went off to sleep again without any hesitation... they love me :) ... it was so refreshing to be able to hold them for as long as i wanted...err...at least until i fell asleep... just knowing they were near me... *sigh*...
i awoke that morning to the sound of my older brother running around doing something i don't know... he said, "isn't today christmas?" and i was like, "yeah".... but things were different than some of the other times i'd met up with him this year... he came into the room and talked to me... and then he sat down and talked to me for a little longer... about life, love, and most amazingly, what God was doing in his life...i missed him... i loved talking with him... i could see the love and joy of God all over his countenance... i don't think he realizes what he means to me... he's the one that basically led me to be who i am... he stoked a passion in my life for the only thing that matters to me now... he set the example... he led the way and encouraged me along... he's the one i could go to with anything and i knew he'd at least listen... that's how it was up until quite a time ago... nearly a year ago i guess he hit a rough point in his life... i saw it, but i didn't know how to help or what to do about it... i ached though... he wasn't my brother... i didn't know who he was ...and i guess we drifted quite a bit in the last year... some of the hardest but sweetest times of my life... hard, because the one person i connected with about everything didn't seem to have time for me... and sweet, because i found more than enough satisfaction in the Lord... but that morning i saw the brother i'd lost in the way he spoke and in the way he acted...i saw a light in his eyes that i hadn't seen in a while.... *sigh* and it's such a relief... i can't wait to get to know the brother i haven't been able to know it a while... stotrum for the way He heals, forgives and renews like nobody and nothing else...i love Him...

confidence

(small peninsula of land + wonderful starry night sky + great span of water + a seeking, searching soul = a glorious meeting from God)

oogh...the confidence i have in Christ... so refreshing and freeing... there's nothing like living for Him in all the world...

He loves me, He really loves me!

i fail so often...i let Him down every day... sometimes i run up to Him like a bratty kid and kick Him in the knees... but He believes in me...He thinks I can do it...i see dirt...He sees a field ripe and rich and full... i see lumpy clay...He sees an original, beautiful masterpiece... i can't help but trust Him.. can't help but hand everything over to Him... and oogh... the relief i feel in Christ... the hope i have in Him... even if i don't get to see the end results of what He does in my life... i will serve Him... I will serve Him with all i am...

He can make anything weak, ugly, or useless into something strong, lovely, or useful... He's AMAZING!!! ASTOUNDING!!!

my love, my sweet love... there's nothing that compares with You...

stotrum for THREE SHOOTING STARS!!!

not to me...

...oh God...i delight in you...

the joy of your love...
it aches in my chest...
i just know it's going to burst...to erupt...
my seemly continous obsession with you
doesn't even compare to what you feel for me...
nor does anything i've ever seen
compare with how wondrous and awesome you are
ugh...that's why i smile...
these thoughts won't go away
thoughts of you...
what you do...
when i'm looking off into nothing..
i'm thinking of you..
dreaming of you...
my life is lived for you...
everything i do revolves around you...
what more, Lord?
i'll do anything...
i'll speak, live, be silent... die...
after all...you did the same for me...
it's the least i can do...
my entire everything i give to you...
but what is my everything?
you look my way...
what could you possibly gain from me...
mere dirt..
mere unformed clay...
but you see the possibilites, don't you?
the fruit that could grow from my soil...
the masterpiece you'd work with my clay...
it's yours...
do with it what you will
do with it what you may
just PLEASE...
i beg of you...
no matter what i might later do or say...
make me more like you...

unswervingly constant. uncontainably pure. inexpressibly holy. irreversibly passionate.

...because You delight in me...

romans 12:1

"i beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, HOly, acceptable to the Lord, which is your reasonable service."

i'm most definitely not perfect. i have faults and failures in my life like anyone, however, with all my downfalls and shortcomings, i can't help but pursue and speak of a life more purposeful and profound than the one many christians and 'lost folks' are living. ...and although i've yet to reach this completely 'alien' lifestyle... i recognize that the desire and willingness to attain this goal are just as alien as if i were living it out.

so... the life of a Christian according to romans 12:1->

first of all, sacrifice means this:

"hence to destroy, surrender, or suffer;
to be lost, for the sake of obtaining something;
to give up in favor of a higher or more imperative object or duty;
to devote, with loss or suffering"

in romans, Paul does not merely suggest that we give up a few minor details of our lives, but commands that we must give our entire beings and everything else over to death in order to fulfill not an amazing or extraordinary act, but the only sensible one.

entirity has a definition as well:

"in an entire manner;
wholly;
completely;
fully."

If we live out the 'entirity' of romans 12:1... there should be no trace left of our former selves...it should have all been consumed in the flames of refinement.

there are many of us who are willing to give up a meal here, a dollar there, maybe an hour at times somewhere else... but how many of us give (or are even somewhat willing to give) our entire selves over to Christ to do with as He sees fit?

be reassured, christian, that the more we pursue this Christ, the stranger we will become to the world... the mere act of pursuing something you can't see nor completely understand seems foreign and crazy to the world... it's illogical to them... and the more we begin to act like Him, think like Him, and speak like Him... the more of a difference they'll see in our lives... but it begins with obedience... to crawl up on that altar... to become a living sacrifice... HOLY and acceptable to the Lord...

eternally effective

for a long time now i've analyzed the rights and wrongs of doing things that are not bad by any means but yet seem pointless sometimes. ... like just messing around and doing um..."fun" stuff... it's not that i couldn't have fun...i could... and it's not that i believed that fun stuff was wrong...i don't... but i struggled with finding the mix between where having fun could be just as effective eternally as speaking seriously about the Lord or praying and stuff...
it's not that i've figured it all out... but i think God is really wanting to teach me how to make everything that i do eternally effective... Everything including checking my email, hanging with friends, going to Wal*mart, sleeping, eating, working.... i know it can all be done for the glory of the Lord... and day by day i'm learning to do it... i see more of Christ in my thoughts, in my words, in my actions... and i love it...
but you know...i don't want to take the whole "do everything for the glory of the Lord" lightly. doing things for the glory of the Lord...that takes sacrifice and obedience... we as christians have lightened those things so much... nowadays...sacrifice is giving an extra buck for tithe and then going out shopping and spending fifty... and nowadays...obedience is saying a prayer for somebody instead of standing up and proclaiming what is right... we feel God calling us to much greater and higher levels of living, so instead of jumping at the opportunity to give our all...we give the very least that we can and sit back and expect that He'll bless it...
*sigh* christian, He wants are all.... and our all is the very least we can do...
i want my life to resound through eternity...

so that's what i'm striving to be... eternally effective...

let loose

so the Lord's generosity abounds as He pours out His Living Water upon me... it never stops running... continues forth until i'm overflowing...and still He persists in flooding my being... shouldn't someone get wet?
i had a word from the Lord spoken over me tonight... jason spoke of gideon... and of the flooding waters of the Lord... he encouraged me to let loose...to let the waters break free from inside of me and pour out on everyone i meet... soak everyone with the presence of the Lord... Jesus...
i feel sick to my stomach, because of instead of going to the prayer chapel to meditate on it...i went to socialize... i really did want to spend time with those people... but it was of really no eternal effect... i compromise far too often... i give in way too much... Jesus...
give me one pure and holy passion... give me one magnificant obsession... ...to know and follow HARD after you...
this passion is inside of me... why do i fear to let it loose? to let it pour forth like a mighty river... flooding the land with peace...
i'll let go.. probably have to more than once in this lifetime...
jesus, i can't handle my own life...i don't want to ever be able to... it's Your's... my desires, my needs, my wants...
i just can't take it anymore... it's like jason said, "i'm so fed up with a christianity that compromises... " i want to give up that mere christianity that looks nothing different from the world...i want to be utterly consumed by flames...
my head swims when i start to think of all this... i want to cry... there's more out there...so much more than what we can fathom... dear Jesus, satisfy my hunger for You...speak something fresh and new to me... show me how my life can make an eternal difference.
and i want to take this passion everywhere...i don't want to be afraid to speak of it... don't want to be afraid to pray to Him whenever...wherever... don't want to be afraid to stand up in the middle of lunch and proclaim the faithfulness of the Lord.... how dare i fear!
jason spoke of pursuing every opportunity to glorify the Lord... not always waiting for "doors to open"...but to serve Him every moment...with every aspect of my life... just LIVING Christ... living it out... living a HOLY (sacred) lifestyle...
Father, this radical lifestyle is really not so radical to You.... it's expected... we act like You're dead and the end of the world is never coming... we act like we're only acquaintances with You and have no interest in getting to know You better... we talk about our crushes and our problems more than we talk about You... we've jumped into the enemy's bed and fallen into lust with him... forgive our adulterous generation... forgive our unfaithful hearts...
purify us, Christ, wash us clean...make us holy once again...

stotrum for truth

i love mondays

okay...so it's been a great day... i love pretty days...even when they are a bit chilly... kind of deceiving you look out the window and the sun's shining and everything's beautiful and then you stick your head out the window and your face freezes off... hmm... isn't it ironic... ... so i worked on my papers most of the morning... creative writing is so much more fun than boring other papers...and long phone convos are weird... i skipped a class...went to my second one and went over the papers i'd written a while before... went to work afterwards.. .oogh...im going to LOVE mondays...i get to paint with this little girl who is supposedly a trouble maker and stuff, but she was really nice to me... and it's just she and i going at it painting whatever we please all over a buncha bathroom stalls... after we're finished we'll move on to the boys room...and after that i'm going to teach her different drawing techniques and stuff...i'm really looking forward to it.... but today was so wonderful...i was so happy i squirmed and did a lil squeal thing in sarah's car on my way home....i've done that a lot lately...i just can't figure out the words to thank God with...it's like joy is bursting out of my chest and i don't know how to hold it in at all... so i scream or skip or jump or wiggle or attack someone or laugh... i love it... man...i love creative writing...i love that little girl... and i love mondays.

stotrum for chicken fingers and yummy mashed potatoes

obsession

there's no telling how the Lord wants to use me. all i know is that i want Him to. sometimes my flesh leaps forward and attempts to throw my spirit off balance, but i know what my dreams are. i know where my heart lies...and it's with Christ. my ultimate obsession. satan can try any way He wants and I may slip, but He will not stop me from altogether pursuing Christ, my ultimate goal.

how i love Him...how i desire Him... forgive me where selfishness seeks to destroy what you desire to do in me.

many things have been happening in my life. i've been involved with BSU trips ...like revival teams and discipleship now weekends. i've begun this study of james and a few of us girls are praying about starting an all-girls bibles study on "why Godly people do unGodly things." (beth moore)...

i just want my life to be different from what is normal and usual... unless the "normal" includes being completely sold out and radical for Christ... i want to be radical...i want the jeremiah fire...

Abba, make me more like you.

a permeation of my thoughts
a birthmark on my side
i can't get away from Him
there's nowhere i could hide
His voice echoes in the wind
He whispers in the breeze
You'd think there's something I could do
but there's no way i could let Him leave
His presence has pulled me closer
i can't get Him out of my mind
and as i've consistently sought Him out
I'm more willing to leave all behind
i'm enthralled by the way He pursues me
in love with His selfless ways
amazed by the things He does for me
and looking at all my days
i can't imagine one without Him
whispering gently in my ear
slipping His arms around me
promising there's nothing to fear
all my life i'll seek Him
and pursue His holy ways
i'll live each day as a song to Him
who is worthy of all my praise

prayers and quotes

"Christ, we are nothing without you. we are nothing. we are but men. and what is man tht you are mindful of Him...what is man? dusht. we are born, we live and we die. but with YOU... there is purpose.. with you there is hope. there is not now and never will there be any better more worthy a purpose to live for. no one compares to you"

"i will not be selfish, I will obey. i will do everything in my power to live worthy of my calling... "

"kill 'me' off lord. it's not about me it's about you. ALL ABOUT YOU. Let me forget myself..where an I serve? where can i give? i want to sacrifice. to let go. to die. humble me."

"i think the thing i want most is just to be changed... not simply that we are challenged.. but that we are changed..totally, completely, and forever..."

2 Samuel 6~"I will become even more undignified than this."

"no soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier." -2 tim 2:4

"If we died with Him,
We shall also live with Him.
If we endure,
We shall also reign with Him.
If we deny Him,
He also will deny us.
If we are faithless,
He remains faithful;
He cannot deny Himself."
-2 tim 2:11-13-

"I must be content with what I have. i must not seek after more. i do not deserve a mate. i do not deserve beauty. I don't deserve any of it, so why do i focus on these things? thank you Lord that you ahve provided me with much more than I deserve."

"anything i have done pales in comparision to what is in me ~ that i could do. there's greatness in me ~ not because of anything i am, but because of who God is in me" Grab hold of what is inside of you, and become who God made you to be!!!

"i have this power in me. i have this in me. i have the power of God in me!"

"fear is a result of pride because we believe that something should not happen to us; like we ought to be exempt or something."

romans 16:19-30 ~ "for your obedience has become known to all. therefore i am glad on your behalf; but i want you to be wise in what is good, and simple concerning evil. and the God of peace will crush satan under your feet shortly. the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you. amen."

revelation 5 ~ "...worthy is the Lamb who was slain to recieve power and riches and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and blessings!"

we do these "sacrifices" not for us, not for the lost people of wherever. they do not deserve any rewards....they do not deserve this heaven by any means. it is because of the Lamb. because of His sacrifice and because He is who He is, and He is deserving of the rewards. He deserves souls to be saved. He deserves our very lives. He deserves everything that we are and everything that we have.

there is no reason for sin to be present in a christians life. we have been set free. we have been gifted with a freedom that no lost person has. the chains of satan, the wildes of the devil. they have no place in our lives. is it possible to go through an entire day and think of nothing but the goodness of the Lord? I know it is. is it possible for your mind to rest solely on Himand think no thought that is contrary to Him? YES! i must believe it. lord, help me reach that position in my life where nothing is contrary to you or your teachings. where my life and your word go hand in hand.

"prepare me for the things you want to see done in me"

jeremiah 2:33a ~ "why do you beautify your ways to seek love?"
j^ 2:36 ~ "why do you gad about so much to change your way?"
j^ 3:4 ~ "will you not from this time cry to Me, "My Father, you are the Guide of my youth!"?

"i had the vision of myself as the dove on the altar. the way they were sacrificed? cut down the middle, pulled by the wings, and split completely open before Him."

ugh...hmm...sigh

hmm...it's been a good day...actually quite wonderful... it's been the perfect day really...i had an awesome time with God this morning... on my way out the door for lunch i realized what a beautiful day it was... it was much like the one i talked about earlier... the warm fall breeze and the leaves racing on the ground...only difference? beautiful sunshine... LOOOVE it... had a test in a class... finished a paper in-between classes and then went to my second class for the day... then i just sat on the swings and enjoyed the perfect day... i love sunshine and comfortable, windy days.... ... but after i came in... i wasted away the rest of the day on this thing... don't you hate it when you get lost on the internet and all of a sudden it's several hours later and you've gotten nothing productive accomplished? ugh...i did figure out how to get my pic in my profile... and i read an interesting article about how nice guys get always get the short end of the stick because girls are always looking at the jerk face guys... ..i can see that... i think i've probably accidentally done it at least once...overlooked a nice guy because my eyes were set on someone else and that guy turned out to be a total jerk... ugh... mistakes mistakes... i had to comment on it though... i apologized for the times girls do that... but also had to bring to the author's attention that, in the same light, nice girls sometimes get overlooked because guys are too busy watching the jerk face ones walk by... hmm... this world is so weird and capricious...
....oh, on a side note of it all...i've really been missing an old friend... we haven't talked much for nearly a year... sad thing is...i can't do anything about it really... so we'll probably never speak too awful much again... just surface friends forever...ugh... not that i want it to be that way... but certain things have happened in the last few years that don't provide a very promising future for our friendship... sigh... it's best this way i'm sure....
hmm...
i'm glad my God is a rock that never moves.... my solid foundation... and that He's loving... and definitely forgiving... He's such a great God...
stotrum for pretty days...and forgiveness

jeremiah fire

"i said, 'i will not make mention of Him, nor speak anymore in His name'... but His word was in my heart like a burning fire shut up in my bones; i was weary of holding it back...and i could not." (jeremiah 20:9)

hmm...so God is in love with us enough to sacrifice His only Son... He speaks about us... He lived for us...He died for us... you'd think the least we should do is talk about it... not out of duty...but out of desire. our passion for Christ should be something the world can't take away... oh something we can't even separate from our lives... something we can't help but cling to and long for... an interesting thought i heard long ago, but was reminded of recently, "He's had enough of emotion from you...now He wants dedication." there are going to come times in our lives when we don't feel like praying, reading, or seeking after God... but we must... those times we're running on Him and not on anything we can offer... gosh... those are the instances in our lives where true refining is able to take place... i love Him i love Him i love Him... but it could be so much more... what patience He has...
may everything about me decrease...and everything about You in me increase... may my love for You burn in my soul...to where i can't hold it in if i tried...Christ, overtake me...

"and you shall burn the whole ram on the altar...it is a burn offering to the Lord; it is a sweet aroma, an offering made by fire to the Lord." (exodus 29:18)

unsuspected words

i want to describe a moment i had the other day. i'm not sure when it was...i know it was sometime during the end of this last week... it was not such a bright day, but extremely calming... there wasn't sun, but the temperature was perfect... a perfect fall day (besides having no sun)... i'd spent some awesome time with God that morning, so He was pretty present in all my thoughts and stuff... i can't really remember if i was at complete peace with Him or not.. but i remember going to check my mail.. hadn't checked it in a while...i never usually get anything anyway... but there..wow...i actually had something... at first, by the typed words, i figured it just more junk mail... but i opened it moreso and the first words kinda stood out... after all, it's not every day someone addresses you as a "proverbs 31 woman"... hmm...i stepped out into the cool afternoon wind and found a nice comfy bench...settled myself and read whatever this author had to say to me... some of the things they wrote were very relevant to my life as of that day...and one thing was just something God had been teaching me for quite a while now... hmm... it was great feeling so enveloped by God that afternoon... He was everywhere... and i thanked him for encouraging letters from a friend... and if i wasn't at peace before i walked into that post office i assure you i definitely was after it....sitting on that bench with the wind breezing by gently and leaves skipping across the ground... and knowing that a friend labeled me as someone i strive daily to be...*sigh* it was just one of those moments where the world stands still and you can look around and smile.... seems i've had a few of those lately... stotrum for uplifting words....it's so wonderful to realize something you've done was able to bless another...

radical confusion

ugh... where are the boundaries? i want to separate myself from the world...i know i’m called to a different lifestyle than "the normal"... does that mean different than non-christians as well as "regular" christians? what is that? i don’t know what it means...i don’t know how it looks...i don’t know how to attain it... God help me... every time i go anywhere i’m frustrated with the when how and where’s of sharing my faith... i can’t look at anyone i don’t know and not wonder whether or not they know Him... i can’t talk to anyone and not wonder if there’s something i could say that might encourage their walk whether they know Him or not... i can’t do anything anymore... the struggle haunts me sometimes... what can i do to be more radical? what else can i give? and instead of throwing myself into each and every opportunity...i feel like i pull away...i’m shy...clueless...cowardly even... ...i want to bleat out that i’ve never had a shepherd to lead me down this crazy, radical path... but that’s no excuse... Christ is longing to use me in an outstanding way... and am i too afraid?
dear Jesus...i have to be obedient...
maybe that’s my biggest struggle...obedience... God is calling... i don’t know how to answer Him all the time... sometimes i do... and many times i think i might shrug it off and say "i don’t REALLY know if that’s what He’s saying..."
God forgive me... help me attain that willing heart, passionate spirit, and fire-eyed love for You... here i am, Lord... teach me to be used...

freedom

i know it's never happened to someone like you...you're perfect, of course... but more than once in my life and very often on my path, which i pray is directed as precisely toward God as possible, i have found myself in a completely empty predictament. no hope. where's God? i always have wondered where my mind was at these points of my life. what was i thinking? but there HAS to be some reason i felt this way and thought i had to live in the darkest corners of the barrel...
i confess that even once at the beginning of this year i had the temptation to reject God altogether and run in the opposing direction. life had become so humdrum and caliginous... there was nothing to it...no substance... it was dry and lifeless... i was sludging through with no direction and no goal.. what is the purpose of life? what are we here for? what are we supposed to be doing with our lives?.. i hadn't the clue where to find anything... i was so empty of everything... if you'd looked into my eyes, even in those once in a while worldly happy moments, i wouldn't be amazed if they were dull and boring... i tell you i experienced feeling nothing and i woulda done almost anything to find life again... in fact, i contemplated in my mind many different ways i could perhaps fill myself again.. one night, in exasparation from my desparate state, i made arrangements to do something completely out of my personality...just for the experience...i knew there had to be more to life than this sick, empty, lifeless state and i wanted to find it no matter what the cost... you may not have any clue what i'm talking about... perhaps you're surprised that i might have ever felt this way...perhaps you're feeling the same way right now...i wouldn't doubt it if all of you who read this have experienced living in this state of mind on many different occasions... and, with you knowing that i know what state you're in, i want to exhort you: there IS more... but you won't find it in any woman, man, drug, drink, perverse act or thought, food, television shows, or really much else for that matter... no, nothing this world has to offer has effects that could possibly satisfy us for a lifetime...yes, they can satisfy us momentarily, but there's always a let down... always... so what do we do? how do we get away from this unfullfilling and utterly disappointing life?
well...as i said...i made arrangements to participate in one of those momentarily satisfying possibilities listed above, however, before i found myself able to go deeper into my pit of mire...i found myself in a pew at a small youth service... nothing special... and as i listened to the worship in the beginning...i didn't want to be there...i wanted to leave, get away, run... there was a war raging within me and my entire being was exhausted... i wanted to scream but, as the lyrics of a new song claimed freedom in Christ, all i could do was cry. where was this Lord who promised me freedom and salvation from these miry pits of sin? i was caught in those depths to which we humans, like pigs, plunge ourselves and it seemed hopeless that i might ever escape. my weeping continued through worship... i wasn't able to leave the pew... "i can't do it anymore," my prayers would scream ...my flesh was enraged... but the Spirit of God was doing some overtime attempting to cut Himself through the trash i'd built up in my life... oh, the way He proceeds to love even when we confess our complete unworthiness... i experienced freedom that night... a freedom of unbelieveable joy... the closest to flying i'll ever be... i didn't go to that church to find freedom...i came simple to complete the normal routine of wednesday night, but Christ found me... He saw me... and He met me there... ...He poured Himself over me...and I was filled with an unsurpassed fulfillment...
oh if only i'd forever keep my eyes fastened on the Lord...that's where victories are won... that's where true success is found... there is nothing that compares to the freedom and salvation found in the Lord..
it's even more amazing that He desires us to find this freedom... to have this close relationship with Him, where we can lay everything burdensome at His feet... what forgiveness and unconditional love can be found in Christ! praise Him...praise Him... i never want to turn away... i never want to pull away my cup that's continually being filled with that satisfying, forever-flowing water... the purest, sweetest water...
i tell you: you don't have to suffer... you don't have to want.. you don't have to bury yourself in the darkest corners of the barrel... simply turn your eyes away from the sin that's bound you and ask Him to help you turn them to Christ... and He will meet you there... i promise...
stotrum stotrum for the satisfying taste of the Lord

my passion

i made the trip to new york this weekend... a random road trip that i'd like to discuss in further detail in another blog... but there were about 7 of us...and we spent a few hours in central park during out venture there. another girl and i were convicted to add some purpose to our visit so she and i set out to perhaps spread a little of the Good News to a couple of the hundreds that were passing by us each moment...it was the least we could do, i guess... i just couldn't stand there another minute and "enjoy" new york, while wondering in the back of my mind how many of those people were going to hell... i'm convicted even now...why didn't i tell more people...what and why do i fear? *sigh*... well.. that's another blog ha...
the friend i was with made mention at a passerby of the cute looks of her dog and within moments we were face to face with this woman and it was more than obvious of her eagerness to speak with us. So we talked with her...about all sorts of things. well... somewhere in there we were able to talk with her about our own faiths... we also shared some of our lives with her... like what i'm going to do after college and stuff like that... trying to figure out what i was looking to do with my life she asked me, "what's your passion?" and...i thought about it for a second... i'm good at a lot of things...like to do a lot of things... but my life revolves around Christ and Our relationship... so i said "Jesus"...
when i look at that answer and the situation i said it in...i meant it... every word of it... Christ is my passion... that's what my life revolves around...that's really all that consumes me, besides the times that i allow my flesh to reign in my mind... i obviously have sin in my life... but i can't stay away from God so long... He's my Love...my greatest Desire... my deepest Want...
sometimes i don't see it in my life... i see where i fail... i see where i completely turn my eyes from Him and choose opposing paths from His path... i also see times where it's OBVIOUS that He's speaking to me and i choose not to listen... i don't really do BAD things all the time... Good things...but i know Good things become Bad things if not done with His blessings and not in His will....
last night we went on another road trip...not so long as the first...and not for the same purpose... it was more for educational reasons, but i didn't share my faith with one person...i talked with the family seated behind me... and felt the whisper.... i talked with the wendy's server... and felt the whisper... if it's my greatest passion it should ever be on my speech... on my heart... on my mind... i'm going to be responsible for my actions... for not thoroughly caring enough to reach out to the lost or tired...
man, Jesus... i want a passion that's impossible to store up in my heart and not speak it out... forgive me...i don't want to preach at people...i don't want to condemn anyone... i just want to share the love that You have for all peoples... You deserve for them to know... "May the Lamb recieve the rewards of His sufferings"... please...help me to fall more in love with You, so that You are the first thing on my mind in the morning...the last thing there at night... and the One that consumes all the in-between time as well... it's kind of like that now... but i want more... Lord, You want more out of my life than something normal and regular... may You be the only thing people see in me... may my passion in You make me who i am...
we're called to be consumed with Christ... consumed... nothing left... ...brother or sister... how much are you willing to die to, so that you can reach your potential in Christ? does it really matter what people would make of us? ... does it really matter what we lose here on earth? ...i once knew a Christ-consumed man who single-handedly (with Him of course) started up 250 churches... how much of an impact are you making in the lives around you? there's always more to find in Christ...

new york? no way!

so it was the day after a night of no sleep madness...I went to my first class... definitely skipped the second one... I only slept four hours that day...woke up and played a little frisbee... then somehow it was time for dinner...
and there I was...alone in the cafeteria... sure, I had a great time the night before, but a cloud in the distance of my imagination promised a not so exciting fall break... *sigh* there had to be SOMETHING or SOMEWHERE to go... but no... every idea and every attempt failed...and now my parents had disappeared into nothingness... I had nearly accepted the fact that perhaps I might be spending the next four days with just my lil old self, when I stopped to chat with some friends on the way out of the cafeteria... just chatted for a bit... then saw some other friends at another table and their conversation kinda sparked an interest in me... They were complaining about how they weren’t going to be able to make the trip to new york because they hadn’t a vehicle... I talked to them for a bit and then...I suddenly heard myself offer my car for their journey...so long as they pack me in somewhere... By the looks on their faces I could tell they didn’t know whether or not to believe me... heck! I couldn’t tell whether or not to believe me... but we made the plans “20 minutes...I’ll pill you guys up.”... well, on the way to my room I stopped to talk with this girl and I offered her the amazing opportunity of joining us for this unexpected vacation...and surprise unto me...she took it...car and all... and with her came ANOTHER friend...and an extra car, which turned out to be a very blessed thing, because my car ended up not even being driveable (oops...it’s the thought that counts)...
Off we went... destination: new york city! It was an awesome journey...I can still hear myself repeating “I can’t believe we’re on our way to new york” at random moments throughout the trip. my mind was bursting with excitement...err either that or lack of sleep :) (considering i’d only had about 4 hours in the last 48) ...oh but it had been worth it... stotrum stotrum i had no idea what a wonderful fall break this would turn out to be. it was humorous to think that only a few hours before i had been a little upset because the break seemingly wasn’t going to turn out the way i was hoping...
Some time during the night, one of the guys took an uncomfortable position on the floor so that perhaps I could sneak in some much needed shut eye... of course, I didn’t realize that was his intent until afterwards, but stotrum all the more for sacrificial people... After a little bit of sleep and 16 hours of travel... I was awakened with a nudge, shot out of my sleeping position, and opened my eyes to an awesome almost over sunrise from the middle of some bridge... I couldn’t stop exclaiming, “wow”... complete awe... gosh! :)
so we arrived in the city a few hours after that and barely managed to find parking ($16 for 12 hours!!!!)... once we got everything taken care of we set off ready for an adventure... first stop: subway station... where we purchased a metro card: unlimited for 24 hours... only 7 dollars! I think one of the things I enjoyed most was navigating the group around nyc through subways and streets... we visited central park, grand central station, time square... tried to visit a vineyard church... we did waste a lot of time looking for somewhere to stay that night.. Oh well..it’s just the fact that we WENT that really matters.. Next time we’ll be better prepared... But we did have a blast... thoroughly enjoyed exploring new york city whenever, where ever, and however our free hearts desired...sometime during the course of the trip a friend and I were able to share our faiths with a woman in central park, a man and his daughter, and two teenagers on the subway... I think some of my other favorite times were being able to meet new people and minister to them hopefully in some way... and also getting to know the people who accompanied me a little better was a blessing... hmm.. It was all great...
We ended up deciding not even to stay in new york city that night... so our ventures lasted about 12 hours and then we decided to head out and perhaps stop somewhere fun on the way back home...that was definitely a fun trip... we pulled into a school parking lot about 4 hours out of new york to attempt getting some rest... I was exhausted and the majority of us hadn’t gotten any sleep the night before... it was a bit chilly out (very cold), but for some crazy reason (one I can’t comprehend) the boys decided they had to sleep outside for the night...maybe there just wasn’t room enough in the car or something, I don’t know... so we gave them all of our blankets and tried to tough it out in the little car... sooo cold...I can’t even tell you how many times I woke up with my whole body freezing or with everything from the waist down asleep...fun stuff like that... unbeknownst to us, the guys weren’t able to handle the freezing night air (duh) and had taken ALL of our blankets inside the other car with them... ugh... but it was okay... we survived...
We spent all of Sunday driving.. Nearly died because of um... lack of highway driving experience...got that taken care of though...and driving...one member of the “team” took off his pants and lounged in the back seat with mere boxers....more driving... that member later (after he put his pants back on) received what my roommate and I refer to as an “anal spike”... um... doesn’t sound clean, but I promise you it’s pure...more driving... ate at a cute little country restaurant and had ourselves some REALLY awesome food... soooo good...sooo goood.... then more driving... driving driving...*sigh*... FINALLY lexington! Stotrum! We stopped at a coffee house to enjoy some...well...coffee.... And lounged for a bit and then after I made a recommendation...we stopped to visit with a wonderfully awesome amazing friend... yay!
We really just showed up and went in just as a bible study was getting over with... they were really excited to see us :) ... one of the girl “members” on our “team” (the one who did ministry in the park with me) and I went to wal*mart with some of the bible study members and it was awesome because we were able to do a little witnessing there as well... I was really blessed...I met three awesome people...2 of which were christians already...hopefully my words encouraged their walks... I love doing that sort of stuff... it’s like a breath of fresh air...and reassurance from God....
After that, we went back to the friend’s house and took SHOWERS>>>oogh felt so wonderful.... I was blessed... we moved to someone else’s home and decided to “sleep over”... it was great...I ended up staying up SOO late and got to know a friend a lot more than I had before...I love LOVE being able to see a little deeper into someone’s heart...getting to know them and why they tick and why the do what they do... I really really enjoy it...
But when I hit that couch at 5 in the morning... I was out of it within seconds... I was so comfortable, so calm, so relaxed, so at peace... so happy... :) I was blessed... man, new york and back in two days... how awesome is that? So that’s really the end of our adventure... I had to wake up and go to work with kids (fun fun fun) at 11 in the morning, but that ain’t no thang.... but as I drove away...I couldn’t help but say to myself with a smile, “I can’t believe we just went to new york.”